cancer may take our lives, but it will never take our freedom

This day last year was the worst day of our lives...literally. The moment my parents told me my dad has cancer is this horrible nightmare that I remember so vividly, too vividly. But guess what. The doctors also told him this day last year that he only had a year to live...my dad is working full time, chopping down the xmas tree, driving us to xmas dinner, wanting to go to disneyland, and fixing everything there is to fix around the house. He has gone from completely bed-ridden, to struggling using a walker, to moving at a pace slower than I do after running a marathon , to pretty much back to "normal". He still has cancer, it hasnt gotten too much better, but the reason I am rejoicing today is because it has not gotten worse and once again we rise above cancer and the limitations science puts on us.

Last year this morning I went to go spend some time with my wonderful and wise friend Lisa, we chatted, laughed, I even held her hand int he hospital as she got a shot...little did I know I would be back in a hospital that night. I don't know if I have yet expressed the beauty of the scene when my parents told me. My cousin picked me up from my house where I was watching the office [I wish I was doing something more epic, like reading the Bible or something haha] and waiting for my grandma to bring me some of her amazing lemon chicken over. She didn't tell me anything on the way to the hospital, but naturally inside I was freaking out but also trying to hope for the best [whatever the best is you hope for when you go to a hospital], I text my 2 roommates/bestest friends and immediately got responses as well as a phone call. As we turned the corner and walked to my dad's room [I was still totally oblivious, I didn't know what the oncology floor was] there was at least 15 people outside his room, all dear family friends or family. After they told me I went to the bathroom and curled up on the floor and prayed, I have no idea what I prayed other than God come comfort me and my family. Then I called Lisa who was literally ready to drop everything and come to my side. My cousin took me home so I could chill out, as I was there all alone I opened my Bible and a fresh unhighlighted page opened up to me the verse 1Thesallonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do you sense a theme here? Could the night have been played out any better? God knew it was this night we would find out, and he orchestrated it perfectly for us all to be surrounded whether in person or via cellphones by the ones we love and who love us. And because of my faith God knew exactly what I needed at that moment and the days to come, comfort, so he sent those words to pray to my lips, and Lisa answered, as well as a perfect verse for this season.

I took that verse as my command from God throughout this season of my families life, and I still do. Nouwen says it best, "You have to claim that victory and not live as if death still controlled you. Your soul knows about the victory, but your mind and emotions have not fully accepted it. They go on struggling. In this respect you remain a person of little faith. Trust the victory and let your mind and emotions gradually be converted to the truth. You will experience new joy and new peace as you let that truth reach every part of your being. Don't forget: victory has been won, the powers of darkness no longer rule, love is stronger than death." and love is stronger than any emotion or pain that cancer can cause.

Everything is not perfect, in fact my Dad has chemo yesterday, but it is a lot better than we expected, so I am having a party in my heart today. I am reminded of the Braveheart quote, however because of camp I only picture Caleb as Scoots McGoots saying it...cancer "may take our lives but it will never take our freedom". It will never take our freedom to choose joy and to choose God's control of our lives instead of science and to know it is all for a greater purpose and plan.

So praise the Lord, and go read 1 Thesallonians 5:16-18, listen to 'Hope Now' by Addison Road, and keep loving on your friends and family-when something comes to knock you down they are Jesus in human form for you...Im going to do a long hard track workout to train for my 3rd marathon because I can and many can't.

learning how to pity party

Wow...so I have been having a pity party the last couple weeks, don't know why, its just been some of those days...I have just been asking questions lately that I have not allowed myself to ask yet, such as the most simple ones-a) why? b) why us? c) why not that jerk?

This is all started when my bible study book we are going through told us to be real with God, "He wants your real heart, not the right answer!"...called out. and it went from there. I have been the right answer girl all summer while at camp, it was great because I truly believe everything I told my campers, but I never really faced my deepest questions because I was afraid of asking them and sounding like a bad Christian-and I really don't want to be mad at God because its not His fault (I choose to blame everything on adam and eve).

anyways, after going to my sources (yay for God putting the right people in your life and for their ability to speak words of wisdom and life), I asked God these questions, through tears, a couple pounds on the steering wheel, a few aggressive runs before discovering my sprained big toe (ya, i know)-anyways through all that I finally gritted the questions out. They are not finished, I know it is a process, and ongoing rollercoaster of sorts, but I asked God questions and told Him I was pissed and thought this was unfair-yes I told God I was pissed. This is HUGE for me, especially camp counselor me.

I know it is okay to ask God these questions, experience anger, cry (ok, I am still trying to learn this one), He wants to take these for me. I heard a couple amazing sermons from my pastor in SB, a couple things stood out to me most and are written on my heart aka iphone notepad-"God never had a son on earth who didn't suffer" "Suffering precedes glory" and "His power works best in weakness-but we need to admit we are weak for that to happen!"

then tonight, BAM, i just read about my dad's pity party on caringbridge...like father like daughter i guess :)

In the past 3 weeks I have found my way to the darkest and deepest pit I have ever been in my lifetime. My health has been fine (except for a small cough), but I have been humbled to the point that I felt worthless. I believed that I had nothing to offer anyone and I saw no evidence of God truly using me. After a lot of tears, I cried out to the Lord; begging Him to use me and asking Him why He was keeping me here since it seemed as though everything I had been putting all my energy into had nothing positive happening. I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life. I had the biggest pity party any 53 year old man has ever had.

God answered me when I was done feeling sorry for myself. The problem was that I was focusing on everything other than Him. God wanted to spend some time with me. So when we went to church last Sunday; the songs, and sermon were directly from God. He taught me that He is far greater than any of my circumstances and I just need to look to Him. My time in the scripture this morning provided a word from the Lord that brought a real joy to my heart. Ephesians 3:20; says "Now glory be to God who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of --- infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes."

I am still waiting to see God use me, but by focusing on the Lord I have realized that I am valuable to Him (more than I could ever comprehend) and that He can do far more than I would dare to ask. I still have my dark moments and will probably have several more as I battle this ugly cancer, but I wrote this journal just for me; to be a reminder in my life that I need to focus on Him and not my circumstances.

- Kevin

ha! i think i am mature...

So wednesday night was the "kickoff" for small groups at the church 'young adult' group I have joined, first off since when am I a young adult?!

In the midst of chatting and bonding with our groups (me and 3 other girls who are absolutely lights, and full of joy and love and wisdom and God just put us together perfectly, we all want to love each other, grow closer to God, and have a safe, fun, bonding tie between us-it is going to be great, all I prayed for, lets just we all already teared up), the pastor was saying something about how spiritual maturity is when we stop fighting, ignoring, complaining etc. about the circumstances in our lives and just say "ok God, Ill go with it" and we make the best of it because it is His will. As he was saying that, I think I matured several years in my own eyes. He said this right after my group went around telling each other kinda where we were at with God, and mine went something along the lines of this (I normally don't tell people right away about my Dad, but they had all really opened up so I went for it) "well, me and God are great, I'm learning and growing a lot lately because my Dad has cancer....it has been a rollercoaster of emotions dealing with this, but I have never been mad at God, I am just understanding that this is our reality, and lately I have also realized that I should feel empowered that God is choosing to use us through this..." and to explain more...

Monday I was reading before work and I connected the dots and realized that actually this experience for us is one that shows that God believes in our trust and submission to His will. I feel so inadequate at times since my relationship with God really started beginning of my 1st year of college, but after hearing that spiritual maturity explanation, I was thinking, hm I guess I am ready for it. I mean my parents are for sure, my Dad came home the other day bouncing off the walls reading Ephesians 3:20. How many people do you know who are dealing with sucky stuff come home after working since 6am exploding with the good news of God? gosh, we are chosen for such a time as this, and I would say we are being pretty spiritually mature about it.

Thank you God, for choosing to use us and not those who do not know you or would not glorify you through it.

God is all about the process-and so is the marathon. boom roasted.

This morning i was reading Big God...

"waiting is work, but waiting does work" (merrick, 141)

After reading this (and paraphrasing his words a bit), I realized why I have so much peace right now and why I am beginning to sleep through the night, and not stress or breakdown at the end of workouts- it doesn't matter what happens in the end anymore or how long this season takes, because we are learning and finding more of Jesus in our lives right now.

When we signed up for the relationship we signed up for struggles.

However, in that small print (that no one reads) we usually just point out the scariest side effect (struggles), but neglect to see that it also says we are going to blessed out of our minds.

Through these struggles and despite these struggles.

The struggle is a blessing. It is not the end of the world, it is an opportunity.

So where my high schooler's run their league races their is this area during the last part of the race where there is a bit over a half mile of this flat, dry, circle, where you can see all the people in front and behind you, and no one is there to cheer you on. I told them that during this mentally tough part that they cannot think of how much is left, but instead it is an opportunity to pass people and prove surprise themself with their shear will.

my point being-struggles/trying times on our patience are an opportunity to be taught more about Jesus, and be shown more of him during the wait. It is like raising lazarus from the dead (yes Pondy, I just used this example), ya the Marys went through a struggle/so did Lazarus, but then once they waited it out they were so dang blessed!

There is this ad for some running shoes I am using as a bookmark in Big God, it says "The marathon. Once a test of will. Now a test of patience." The important part of a marathon is the process (just like God is all about the process); the training that goes into the race is crucial, as well as during the race being patient and pacing yourself even though you are maybe used to going faster. However, if you do not appreciate and give credit to the process while you are in it, that end goal probably won't be as great as you thought and it is going to be a lot more painful, and probably take longer to get there. That is the only way to see to the purpose of it all. So be patient, and do the work now, the finish line will come faster if you enjoy the ride there.

colossians 1:11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

God is in control

as I am doing reading for advance ex phys, with pandora playing in the background, a song I fondly remember my mom playing all the time when I was younger came on...God is in control by Twila Paris, from one of those WOW cds...while old school and straightforward I actually listened to the lyrics for the first time, and wow it is pretty good, I mean some legit stuff to have running through your head all day...so here ya go in case you forgot----

This Is no Time For Fear
This Is a Time For Faith and Determination
Don't Lose the Vision Here
Carried Away By Emotion
Hold On to All That You Hide in Your Heart
There Is One Thing That Has Always Been True
It Holds the World Together

God Is in Control
We Believe That His Children Will Not Be Forsaken
God Is in Control
We Will Choose the Remember and Never Be Shaken
There Is no Power Above Or Beside Him, We Know
God Is in Control

History Marches On
There Is a Bottom Line Drawn Across the Ages
Culture Can Make Its Plan
Oh, But the Line Never Changes
No Matter How the Deception May Fly
There Is One Thing That Has Always Been True
It Will Be True Forever

He Has Never Let You Down
Why Start to Worry Now?
He Is Still the Lord of All We See
And He Is Still the Loving Father
Watching Over You and Me

what will you be doing?

I think it's sad some people waste their lives away abusing their bodies and doing nothing to better others or serve or use their gifts, instead they twiddle their thumbs away serving only their immediate desires.
But here is my dad, going go work, church, taking mom on dates, hanging out with friends pouring into them and being poured into, reading the bible and learning more about God. The thing is, he was doing all this even before getting diagnosed...he doesn't have to regret wasted time not doing all the above important things.

Just like the Bible constantly asks us 'what do you want to be doing when Jesus comes', well what do you want to be doing if cancer comes?

Life with Jesus isn't going to be easy, but that is why we don't live for this reality but instead the perfect one He has prepared for us.

Last night I went to bed a bit distraught because I saw a facebook status complain about how hard life is... Really?? I'm not trying to pull the cancer card, because honestly there ARE worse things that could be happening in my life. When tough things happen we should almost rejoice that this is not our eternity, we should give thanks and remember that this stuff is temporary and it will all be taken away soon and replaced with a divine romance where pain is replaced by joy and tears replaced with laughter. Why not try to start here by replacing those tough things with joy and laughter and praise for what is to come and what Christ has done for us so we can have that!
Life is like a black and white film, it is not quite as bright as it could be (will be), but we watch it anyways. We know the movie will end, but until then we are sitting back chomping on some popcorn and seeing how the film plays out.

When life hands us lemons (happy or sad lemons), make a pretty centerpiece and leave them as is, they were made to be that way. Excuse my poor metaphorical use tonight, I am very tired but cannot fall asleep.

eat, pray, loved it

I saw the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and it lived up to the book I read as I traveled around Europe last summer, so many great one-liners that just speak to your soul. While the author's religion is questionable, she says so many things that can be applied to the Christian's life. sidenote: finding God's fingerprints in books, songs, movies, situations which seem to the world secular, is one of my favorite things. One quote that got me is, "Ruin is transformation"...so when the weight of this world gets the better of me, God slips little reminders like this that He is changing me, that He is using me to bring others to Him. Even though it feels like my world is falling apart at times, and sometimes when I am sitting on the couch next to Dad I have to pinch myself to remember our reality so I soak up the moment. Through what seems like ruin, I know there is transformation in all of us.

One more, "I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I'm making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with yet to come surprises". This leads me into Francis Chan's sermon I heard this past sunday when I was in SB, he continually reminded us that we do not need to worry or be afraid of the unknown because we already have a table set for us in heaven. Furthermore, in Big God yesterday I read, "God is the God of details so that we don't have to be caught up in and worried about them", and "we should have a faith that is willing because God first said 'I will'". So by waking up each morning and taking that first sip of joy to keep me going all day, I am able to leave the details to God and instead use that room to focus on helping others-whether that be campers from this summer, training my athletes, bringing a smile to someone whose gait cycle I am analyzing, or being friendly to the hundreds of strangers I pass by across the sjsu campus know may not know Jesus. Now I am going off on a tangent, but to bring it back, my point is that by choosing joy I can show people what life with Jesus can be despite the valleys that we stumble across. One of my campers the last week of camp commented that she would be such a mess and not be able to go on if one of her parents had cancer...I replied that I used to say the same thing concerning my friends who had similar situations, but then it happened and look I am running around all summer doing ridiculous things filled with so much joy and with so much love to poor out on these lovely ladies who crossed my path. By just living each day with a smile and a bounce in my new pink running shoes (that I got half off of because of one of my 2 best jobs ever) I am leaving space in my life for the future and for others and for God to take care of the things I do not have control of/need to worry about.

I am going for a long long run tomorrow because I don't have any work until 2:30 and I have not had enough Jesus time this week.

an unexpected angel.

7/1/10

During discipline of silence last night I went into it superrrr tired, delerious, wanting alone time, I didnt think any of my girls were going to come and chat with me either-which was honestly my hope.

Then this boy camper came up and he told me how his Dad had died of cancer over christmas and after seeing my confessions video he felt God tugging on him to come over to my cabin and chat about who knows what. He looked SO at peace with his father's passing though, he even had a slight smile as he told me that it was going to camp over the years and forming a relationship with God that had prepared him for the death of his father and gave him the confidence and peace that he was going to be okay. Especially because his dad had accepted the Lord right before his passing. He knew God prepared his family with a solid support group of family and friends for this time. He said of course it is still hard, but he had a joy that it was going to be okay because of his relationship with God. I was moved to tears of joy.

This camper gave me the energy and renewed spirit in Christ I needed right then in my exhausted state to go on to have a conversation with my camper who had some realll tough stuff going on. Without that boy coming to chat I dont know if I would have had the same patience and words to say to my camper, way cool stuff. God knew just what I needed.

More delayed blogs to come asap...

I am here to love.

From 6/23/10

Now that I am up here at Ponderosa I have rarely anytime to blog, so I have been noting entries from my journal that I need to add to update my friends on what I am learning...

I have been realizing these past few months that my life is probably not going to turn out to be the perfect fairytale as I have expected growing up a fanatic of disney.

BUT it IS still perfect.

Tonight during the "real confessions" video it was really hard to hear my own voice acknowledge dad's cancer, so so hard, each time I replayed those words "my dad has cancer" in my head I felt my soul sting. However, I also think hearing that every week on the video is going to be a good reminder to listen to my own life every now and then when it is so easy to completely lose myself in loving others and listening to others struggles (don't get me wrong I totally love and thrive off loving others and walking alongside them in their hard times).

After watching the video I cried for pretty much the next 2 songs while trying not to let my cabin see the tears because I wanted them to know I could be there for them afterwards. I had no idea how I was going to be able to be a strong counselor for them later on that night when all I felt like doing was running outside and having kelsey and kasey hold me and let me cry like they let me these past months.

But, I prayed for strength, and as I am reminded time and time again...prayers are answered. God took away that desire and feeling on inadequateness so fast. I was smiling and filled with a joyful heart by the end of worship and left for the cabin porch with a renewed feeling of strength and was able to set aside myself and hold one of my campers as she cried.

Thank you Lord, I know I am here to LOVE, you made that so evident tonight, so I am going to keep on keeping on with you carrying me.

He gives and takes away, and proves you wrong over and over

Well I was working through my coaching certification test, then the Internet failed on me, and after multiple tries I decided it was a shove from God to go take a breather for the first time this week and spend some time reading and pondering His greatness.

So I read, and I thought about this past week, which has been a whirlwind of the marathon, driving back home, figuring out grad school and meeting with advisors, working on coaching stuff, meeting my xc team, running errands for camp, organizing and moving back into my room, and plenty of other little details.

It is weird to be back home, somewhere I so wanted to escape from 4 years ago due to several reasons. Now I am living in my old room, coaching at the high school I could not run fast enough away from, and spending my summer, fall, and basically an indefinite amount of time as long as I want the job, working with the age of kids where I was a total mess. Oh and did I mention I am going to grad school at a school I said I would never go to because it is too close to home? Never in a million years would I think this is where I would be post-grad. I feel very very very humbled right now, my plans are again not what God has planned-just shows you to never get comfortable. And another thing, the past 2 years my expectation for myself was to qualify for the marathon for NAIA nationals with Westmont, but due to a stress fracture the first time and then my stress level with dad the second time, it was to no avail. But…then here I am being talked into the SD rock and roll marathon with my brother, and I qualify for Boston with 12 minutes to spare, and have one of the funnest races of my whole career! Ok I have tears of joy being brought to my face right now, gonna be honest.

After I met my team yesterday I chatted with my high school coach, just a great guy, wise, cheesy, deep-your basic English teacher (think robin Williams from dead poets society). I feel so inadequate to replace the legend he is on Leigh’s campus, but he taught me so much in my time there I only hope I can put it all into practice. We were just catching up, I was telling him of all my plans for the summer/fall with camp, school, marathons etc. He was in awe of how much my life is falling into place, so in response to that and his recent destiny-drawn wedding, “see, good things come when your heart is in the right place.” I guess they do coach, they so so do. I think I have finally stopped fighting and just let life spin on as God wills. It is a whole heck of a lot easier this way. I left my high school campus feeling triumphant (cannot remember the last time I left it feeling that way) and hopeful that it no longer holds a bitter spot in my heart of what it used to be and who I used to be-but rather, this time it is a new blank page, ready for new memories to be written with these awesome kids I get to share my passion for running with. My heart is in a better place now, and with it, my high school.

But here is my question to God…is He giving me all these blessings because of the painful, disappointing situation with my Dad (add another thing to list of “never thought”)?? Is he giving me these stable situations to lessen the stress facing me in life right now? I don’t have to worry about employment, school and all that comes with those, for 2 years. Really, all I have to worry about now is Dad-ok and a few more things, like finding a guy so when people ask me I can say no I am not single (yes I have already been asked by adults 3 times in 5 days thank you, dear lord people ask me something more substantial!) But, right now Dad is doing great, I mean he is outside building a fence, planning a party, and giving the dogs baths as usual, so lets get an amen for all the prayers answered.

So in all this rambling, moral of Kaelas busy week traveling through memory lane-stop fighting God, just let whatever is going to happen, happen. It is going to happen no matter what, and the sooner you let go, the easier it will be and the sooner you will receive the blessing and joy (even if it takes some tears or frustration first).

Oh, and for further notice if I ever say there is no way I am doing something or going somewhere or “that would never happen to me”-let’s face it, God’s taking me there haha…

AND, God gives and takes away. He gave me all these opportunities these next couple years to take away from my stress level.

A couple quotes from reading time tonight…

“Do not worry about why problems exist in the world-just respond to people’s needs”(Mother Teresa).

“God, in His wisdom, puts it all together. He knows that no one person can cover the whole situation so he inspires certain people to work in certain areas and others to work in others”(Mother Teresa).

This is probably my last post for a while unless I get a chance over the summer to form some thoughts, I know I am going to be taught a whole heck of a lot this summer, so that will just have to be its whole separate chapter in this book ;)

Please pray for the words to say to the girls in my cabins, energy to keep up with camp, and the love to share with everyone on staff.

great quote

Mother Teresa-

"God made the world for the delight of human beings-if only we could see His goodness everywhere, His concern for us, His awareness of our needs: the phone call we've waited for, the ride we are offered, the letter in the mail, just the little things He does for us throughout the day. As we remember and notice His love for us, we just begin to fall in love with Him because He is so busy with us-you just can't resist Him. I believe there's no such thing as luck in life, it's God's love, it's His."

19 miles...and counting

Ok this has nothing to do with Dad...or maybe it does, since my life these days is the definition of a metaphor/personification and various other poetic devices.

Yesterday evening I ran 19 miles.

Yes you read that correctly 19 dang miles! And yes I also did it voluntarily, and I am completely aware that I am partially insane for doing it.

Well me and Taytay are running our first marathon on June 6th and I figured I better check to see if I am capable of finishing it with the, oh, you know, about a months worth of focused training I have had. The most I have ever ran before this is 16, last summer, when I had been training for a marathon for at least a month.

Anyways, once I was at mile 17 I was like, wow, I am actually going to do this, 18 miles, but then 18 came around and I was still not back at my apartment, so I was like, well shoot lets do it. Literally the runner's high had taken over my body, I was running nearly 7 minute miles for miles 18 and 19 because I was so stoked I had done this, and I am sure it helped that some crazy techno that taytay had sent me showed up on my ipod just in time. I must have looked like a crazy person to people I passed by.

I got home after 2hours and 35minutes of running, delirious (again, my roommates are convinced I am less than sane), thirsty, hungry (did I mention I did this with no Gu packets). Honestly though, I have never felt better after a run! I was on cloud 9 all night, and I could not even sleep-hence this being written at 530am. It was the best run of my life thus far, and I am so excited to see what else my body can do! I just cannot believe God gave me these legs and the mind to keep focused on a goal for that long, and I feel like this is where my soul feels most alive and in its element. When everything else is confusing, running is one thing that is consistent and I know I am meant to do with every (muscle) fiber of my being.

We shall see how the marathon goes, I think I can qualify for Boston which would be sweet, but most of all I am excited to do this with my little brother who has become more like my big brother with an awesome shoulder to lean on and a passion for life that is so contagious to the soul.

So wish us luck June 6th, it is going to be sweaty, exhausting, exciting, boring, fun, breathtaking, and completely exhilarating!

Well I guess I should try to go back to bed or something, but I just want to run :)

3 things that I did not expect in December

<= Did not expect this

Well, I am done with college: 1) 5 months ago I did not think Daddy was going to be here to watch, 2) 5 months ago I was planning on putting aside all post-grad plans, putting my life on hold and moving home indefinitely, 3) 5 months ago I could barely make it through a day, and I had no idea how I was going to pass my classes, run, be a friend to my friends.

As always, God got me through it, well not just got me through it but THROUGH it, like thriving, not barely surviving, so praise God for this:

1) Not only was Dad at my graduation, but he was walking fine, and he looked more like my Dad (I very upset he had lost so much weight because he looked so different-as I have said before I don't do change well).

2) My parents kept urging me just to apply for things for the summer and next year because we did not know what Dad's status would be by then; well considering how well he is doing it is a good thing I applied! I will be a counselor at Mt Hermon this summer (at Ponderosa) and I am so excited to pour myself into the high school and junior high girls who come through my cabin, as well as be put back into a Christian community.

3) The beginning of the semester was really rough, too many tears were shed too unexpectedly, I just wanted to be home, I had a hard time focusing in class, and really was just surviving each day. Ronald Reagan's daughter wrote about grieving, "learning to take those first messy, stumbling steps, about the struggle to keep walking even though the path is shadowy and strewn with unexpected obstacles". I think that is what the beginning of the semester was, my world had never been so rocked, and I was trying to feel out how to adjust to this new reality, but I was having this battle against myself and God because I did not want this new reality. This vicious circle was going to continue if I did not face the path that I was now walking on. It is like regret, you are never going to move on and forgive yourself if you do not accept the decision you made and ask for forgiveness.

Anyways, I passed my classes, even statistics, bumped my cumulative GPA up to a 3.0. I finished the track season, not how I wanted to, but I ran at conference nonetheless, and of course I had to choose the loooonnng 10k race instead of getting it over quickly with a 1500 or something. Track season was not how I pictured the end of something that has been a major part of my life, and really a part of who I am for 10 years, but, like with everything else going on I accepted it and moved on. And finally, with my friends, well they have been the most patient angels ever, and put up with me when I am upset or angry or just need to be emotional for God knows what reason. At the beginning of the semester, I could do nothing but take from them, but as the semester went on I learned to be able to shelf my own emotions for when my friends needed a shoulder or listening ear. That sounds really braggy, I am not trying to sound like a saint.

So that is where I am at, I have adjusted, matured, and accepted this reality. Of course, I still get upset, but then I remember that this is our reality for a reason, and we are lucky that we have time. Speaking of time...

I am so thankful that God has made my Dad part of the 15% with the special gene that gives them the ability to live longer with lung cancer and they get to use some special medicine. It is neat because in the middle of this horribleness, He offers us glimpses of hope that remind us to keep following Him, obeying Him, and praising Him. He has reminded us again that He is still sovereign, in charge, and capable of miracles. I have been reminding myself all the time that my life is probably not going to turn out like a fairytale, but this gene sure makes it feel like a fairytale for this new normal we have.

I am reading "The Long Goodbye" by Patti Davis, my Coach let me borrow it to read, she is Ronald Reagan's daughter, and it is about the time after learning about his Alzheimer's diagnosis and through his death. She already stole my plan of turning all my journals and writing through this ordeal into a book. I have only read the prologue, and have already written 2 pages in response in my journal. She was talking about time and how that is a big battle with Alzheimer's, and it helped me wrap my head around this battle against time I feel like my family is fighting. Time feels like an enemy and also so precious in our situation. However, I am at this age and transition in life where time is supposed to be fun to play around with, we are supposed to be free to wander, and I guess waste time, before we "settle down" with the job, family etc. So time is a constant battle, I am trying to find a balance between the two approaches. Here is a great quote from Patti Davis though, "We discover ourselves, assemble our priorities, through beginnings and endings, joys and sorrows. Time carries us like a river and we change along the way".

Another quote on my heart from another book I am reading from my coach, "A Simple Path" by Mother Teresa, "If we didn't have legs we would not be able to walk, if we didn't have eyes we wouldn't be able to see, without faith, we are not able to believe in things that are mysteries and tat are beyond our capacity to comprehend", I think it speaks for itself.

bits of my senior paper

Here are some parts of my 17 page senior paper that have to do with my dad's cancer, at least the parts I didn't steal from my blog to paste into my paper, shhh...

My college experience has been quite the journey, I feel as though I will see it in a movie someday, it will be one of those movies that makes the audience cry, laugh, and be angry at times. After viewing the movie of my life, it will leave the audience wanting to shout my favorite quote from a movie, “Every morning when I wake up and see there’s a whole ‘nother day I just go absolutely ape!” (Audrey Hepburn, Paris When It Sizzles), because no matter the season of my life, the audience can see just how perfectly planned it was by our creator.

When I was in high school, it was so hard for me to believe that I would receive the things I wanted; I was convinced the world was against me. Once I found a relationship with God, things seemed to start looking up for me. Now with a few more years of faith under my belt, I realize that things seemed to be going my way because I was obeying God’s promptings; this radical obedience brought with it radical blessings. I have this peace that God has me right where He wants me and that He has my family firmly in His hands. That is a goal of mine in life, to never lose that trust that God’s will is whatever is at hand. There is no wrong path to choose when living a Christ-centered life that follows His commands. Worrying about the future and living a life full of anxiety is unproductive and pointless, but instead find the peace that God is in control. Currently I am learning to be assured that God has got me so tightly wrapped up in His arms and will. While it is hard to believe these tears shed by my family are the will of God, everyday I am learning to trust and to know that we will be okay. Appreciating everyday with my Dad and enjoying my own health is going to help me live everyday to the fullest as God intends. We can make all the plans we want, but in the drop of a hat our world can change. If we focus on making plans for next week or next year, we won't be living everyday to its fullest. All of God’s plans for us are good, even this cancer although it is “hard and painful at the same time”(Sittser, 22). God is bigger than my stress, than my hurt heart, than that decision, and He is in control of them all, so all we need to do is live out today’s gift because He has tomorrow taken care of. That is another life goal of mine, to live everyday as best as I can, because the moment is all we know we have. Furthermore, I want to live out this excerpt from The Practice of The Presence of God, no matter how unbearable life may be at times, "If we knew how much He loves us, we would always be ready to face life-both its pleasures and its troubles” (Brother Lawrence, 55). That is my third main aim in life, to be fully aware of how much God loves me, and to share with others how much He loves them and is pulling for them, no matter how bleak the situation seems.

Through writing this paper I have read all of my journals since freshman year of high school, cover to cover, so one can imagine the experiences and lessons I relived. However, I believe looking back is important to be aware of where we are and why we are here, and to give thanks to God for bringing us here, it also reminds me every time I look back on how perfectly planned out my life has been according to God’s will. A lot of the pain we deal with is caused by our unwillingness to face the pain and the past, we have to be willing to look back, but also know we are forgiven the first time we ask for it. If we constantly ask for forgiveness, we are surely giving God a good chuckle, because He forgave us the first time we asked. We were the joy and hope that kept Christ motivated on the cross, we were His living hope, therefore we should make Him our living hope. The band Casting Crowns summarizes my journey writing this paper, and how I see myself stepping out into the future best in their song, “Somewhere in the Middle”, “Somewhere between who I was and who you’re making me, somewhere in the middle you’ll find me”. My past is a reference point to use as a story, and as encouragement for the woman I am right now. I know where I will be living for the next year, as well as where I am working, and I am excited about these adventures; however the future of my Dad’s life is very unknown but also very limited in the time he does have and it has a handprint on everything I do. To be honest, that part makes me very scared and hesitant to walk into the future. However, as I have constantly repeated in this paper, I know the future is God’s will and in His hands, and that knowledge is allowing me to live each day as best I can without allowing the unknowns to weigh me down, steal my joy, or forget my own journey.

my last race...

My dad was the first “running buddy” I ever had. When in elementary school we realized I was gifted, and his “little speed demon” he is the one who would go on my weekend jogs with me. Eventually I left him in the dust and that probably spurred his name he gave me for Indian Princesses “Runs like the Wind”. Daddy was at every race, and if he wasn’t there of course I had to call him right before. He was the one person I looked for during my races and always kept my ears in tune for his yelling, if he told me to go, I WENT. So many early mornings with him driving to my races, or staying in hotels in the middle of nowhere to run at Woodward. So many dishes left in his car as I slept and ate on the way to my races. He could tell exactly how I was feeling during a race; in pain, determined, or angry. Even in college I have to call him right before my race and have a minor panic attack if he is not there. He has definitely been my number one fan and encourager when I have been frustrated or disappointed in my performance or with an injury. He has researched my injuries, found me doctors, massaged my shins, cracked my back, kissed my blisters, tightened my spikes, and carried me when I am too exhausted. The man probably ran twice as much as me during some of my xc races just so he could get to the spots I told him I need him to be. I mean the man ran to the top of the library hill at this fall’s Westmont invite, talk about devotion (and that also shows how fast that dang cancer sprung up). My dad has driven me to every wharf to wharf race for the past probably 9 years or so (except this last one cuz my best friends were visiting so they drove me). I am about to really have my last race while being part of a team. It is SO bizarre, I have been competitively running since 6^th grade, and now that chapter is going to close. My dad is going to be at the race (oh and did I mention I of course had to choose the 10 k, yes, that is 25 laps, yes I am aware I am insane). I have not been running well this track season, probably because my stress level and lack of sleep and other things need my emotional strength more these days compared to racing. I am going to run my best, coach and me do not have any expectations for me, and just finishing is enough of an accomplishment right now for us. But having my dad be at my last race, just like he was at my first race when I was a scrawny 6^th grader at the Campbell middle school race where I went out way too fast and learned my lesson. Having him there is enough, and this personal battle I know the race is going to be is going to be a testament to myself and my dad that we can do anything when we trust in God’s strength to provide even in the scariest and most limited situations. This fall I will be coaching, driving to all the same races I ran in my younger years where my dad was always at the finish line, so it will be fun to reminiscence on all those early morning drives to invitationals, or late afternoon backseat changes from cross-country uniform to soccer cleats as we book it across town.

track devo..

What I shared with the track team yesterday...

“I don’t know what’s to become of me. It seems that a tranquil soul and a quiet spirit come to me even while I sleep. Because I am at rest, the trials of life bring me no suffering. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I feel so serene it doesn’t matter. What do I have to be afraid of when I’m with Him? I stay with Him as much as I can. May He be blessed for everything! Amen.” Brother Lawrence, The practice of the presence of God p.43

This kind of describes where my heart is right now, it is a really cool and beautiful feeling, to have your heart being held by the One who wants the best for it and wants good for you. Without this relationship I have been building with God since the 2^nd month of my freshman year of college, I would not be here everyday with a smile on my face amongst the pain my family is going through with my Dad’s cancer. Don’t get me wrong, I cry, I hurt, I worry, but anytime this seemingly unredeemable situation gets the better of me, this amazing blanket of peace just transcends my whole being and a smile becomes so easily formed on my face and I feel this strong sense of joy that keeps me from collapsing. Before December 29 this year, I always said that if one of my parents or brother got cancer I would be unable to stand upright, and more so, find joy in life. However, the night we found out, I spent a few moments by myself reflecting, and believe it or not the verse that I happened to turn to in my Bible was 1 Thessalonians 5:16, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”. So because I had this relationship with God that had been forming through various other personal struggles in my life, this peace amongst the madness was so easily granted to me because I have seen Him get me through it before and turn it all to good. I am not saying I am using Him as a security blanket, because with a mature relationship with God I know it is so much more than that, but I am saying I am walking through this holding God’s hand and listening to what He has to teach me and how He wants to use me because of this. Now I know not everyone’s family members have cancer, but even in your own trials, disappointments, confusion I pray you can find this peace I have. I am just encouraging you to get right with God before something surprising happens, don’t wait, or if you are in a storm right now, I pray you wil allow Him to mold your heart and to let go of your own clenched fists and allow Him to hold your hand and walk with you.

“Those who have the wind of the Holy Spirit in their souls glide ahead even while they sleep. If the vessel of our soul is still being tossed by winds or storms, we should wake the Lord who has been resting with us all along, and He will swiftly calm the sea”(p.31)

reflection for aunt beths mission trip

At 7:00 pm December 28, 2009 I was watching a rerun of the office, wondering if this boy liked me, and thinking about what I wanted for dinner; at 7:20 I let out the most painful cry I ever heard a person make and collapsed into a ball on the cold, hard hospital floor as I saw my Dad cry for the first time of my life. I never in a million years thought I would hear my Daddy say the words “The doctors found cancer, they say I have up to a year”. I continued yelling the words “no” and “stop it” because nothing else could get out amongst my tears. I had never experienced such deep, irreversible pain. When I returned home that night all I could think to do was open my bible; the first verse that struck my eye was 1 Thessalonians 5:16, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”. So that is what began my approach on this seemingly devastating event; instead of being angry at my new “normal” I decided to take it in stride and choose joy through it all. This approach came surprisingly easily, and I have no one to accredit it to other than God. Oswald Chambers describes my ability to choose joy best in his book My Utmost for His Highest, “Being born of the Spirit means much more than we generally take it to mean. It gives us a new vision and keeps us absolutely fresh for everything by the perennial supply of the life of God”. My whole journey through building my relationship with God has prepared me for this season of my life, and learning to trust that His hand has been on every event that has occurred in my life is one of the biggest things I have learned thus far. Don’t think I have this all down; I am learning everyday how to walk about this new land where everything is tainted with the thought of my father’s cancer. However, with the knowledge of how great His love for me is and that He hates to see my family going through this pain, I am never going to doubt Him or stop worshipping Him because I cannot survive without Him. With the love of God on our side it will provide us with the strength and peace to manage through all the ups and downs and chaos of life. Living with regrets and “what ifs” is not going to get me anywhere, and it is not glorifying God because asking “what ifs” is questioning God’s will. Don't ask questions, just go. There is no normal or fair life; we take what we are given, grab it by the horns and run with it, simply because there is nothing else we can do. When a race starts I don't ask anyone how hard this is going to be, or how it is going to end up. I just let my legs take me where the course mapped out for me goes; I follow the path and see where it ends up. This life is not for us anyways; this life is for us to glorify God with, not to plot our plan for our perfect fairy tale ending. I am a planner so practicing not worrying about the future is very difficult for me, but with this news of my Dads cancer it made it even more evident that we have no idea what forks in the road God will present, so worrying about the future is unnecessary and all we can do is prepare ourselves for whatever it is that does come our way. Surrounding us with solid friends and family, digging into God’s word, and practicing His presence and trust. God’s will is always whatever is at hand; there is no wrong path to choose if you are living a Christ-centered life that follows His commands. Worrying about the future and living a life full of anxiety is unproductive and pointless once you learn to have peace that God is in control, so currently I am learning to be assured that God has got me so tightly wrapped up in His arms and will. While it is hard to believe these tears shed by my family are the will of God, everyday I am learning to trust and I know we will all be okay and will all be better lights for God because of it. Appreciating everyday with my Dad and enjoying my own health is going to help me live everyday to the fullest as God intends. We can make all the plans we want, but in the drop of a hat our world can change. If we focus on making plans for next week or next year, we won't be living everyday to it's fullest. All of God’s plans for us are good, even this cancer although it is hard and painful at the same time. God is bigger than your stress, than your hurt heart, than that decision, and He is in control of them all, so all we need to do is live out today’s gift because He has tomorrow taken care of.

give me peace oh God

"Those who have the wind of the Holy Spirit in their souls glide ahead even while they sleep. If the vessel of our soul is still being tossed by winds or storms, we should wake the Lord who has been resting with us all along, and He will swiftly calm the sea."-Brother Lawrence

I am practicing asking God to take away my anxiety any time is arises, instead of letting it consume my thoughts and emotions and attitude, asking Him to remove it and replace those feelings with His love and grace and peace that transcends all understanding.

Highlights: I now have two jobs next fall, as coach and at a running store. Mt Hermon this summer as a counselor at ponderosa, I am so excited to poor my heart and soul for Christ into the girls in my cabin, and be there for them with wisdom and experience, lets face it with all my screw ups and experiences in life I am a good light to speak to high school girls. I cannot wait to spend this summer not for myself, but for others, I feel so used by God it is such a ridiculously perfect feeling and gives me joy every time I think about it.

So in God's will right now, things keep falling into place, it is so so beautiful.

lyrics that made my heart smile this morning

SAFE- Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

On and On-Chasen

Some say we need a miracle
Some say there’s no hope at all
But I know Your love is strong, it goes on and on and on and on
Rise up when it gets us down
It’ll be the voice in a blaring crowd
Because we know Your love will lead us home
It goes on and on and on and on…

I tried my way
It always ends up being a mistake
But You’re right when You say
That You set the time for the plans You make
I never thought that I could ever learn to let it go
Somehow its better when I follow in the paths You show
So I’m here I’m waiting
Cause I believe

There is no fear of belief
There’s just this cold reality
That wants to take me away from You
There is no doubt in my mind
That in Your perfect time
Your plans and Your ways will unfold.

* But we are not going to let the fears and pain the world wants to instill in us through this experience take away our faith and love for God, and our trust that He is in control and with us.

perfectly made

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

We know God made us perfect in His eyes, we are exactly how He intended. We also know that God does not do bad things to us, or wish painful experiences like cancer on us. We also know that God can defeat any evil. So then why does disease and disaster happen in this world? I don't think we will ever fully know this answer until we actually get an explanation from God, not that we even need an explanation, since it is HIS world, not ours, and we are simply his tools.

Well those ponderings have been brief questions in my mind throughout these past few months, and as usual my brain got a thinkin on my run yesterday. I swear I get different workouts from the rest of the girls on just the right days when God has some thinking for me to do, because yesterday I was sent on a longer run than the rest so I had some good Kaela and God time...

Here is what my brain worked through: I know this cancer did not surprise God, I am positive He has known since He decided there was going to be a Kevin Hoch that this Kevin was also going to have cancer. Why God decided it was going to happen now, well there is proof of God's perfect timeline because as I said before if it happened any earlier I would not have been as solid in my faith, me and Tay would not be at the same school, Grandma has Jerry etc. etc. So why would the "perfect" construction in God's eyes of my Dad contain cancer? Well that leads me back to this summer when I worked with kids and adults with disabilities; most of us would not think someone who is in a wheelchair 24/7 with cerebral palsy, or a child with Down's Syndrome, as perfectly made or "normal". After working with some of the most joyful kids I have ever seen, I concluded there really is no "normal" in God's eyes. So you know since there is no absolute worldly perfect or normal, maybe perfect in God's eyes for my Dad included cancer, that is just his normal. And for Blaire, God's perfect includes Down's Syndrome, and for Dylan it includes Cerebral Palsy. What I am realizing is I need to get over thinking, "man, what happened to my average, normal life", NO, my life is still perfectly made and normalized in God's plan, it is just a different normal than what I have known. Because I am not good with change, this is going to be a working process accepting this new normal, but I am getting there.

And that's the way it is (so tempted to break out into celine dion right now), and I am "saying YES to God in a big way everyday"-not my words, thanks Kate ;)

I hope this made sense, it is really hard to put my running thoughts down on paper, I swear I need to carry a voice recorder with me as I run or something!

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

This is our reality, so let's work with it. Not just get through it, but thrive with it and adjust as necessary...

Psalm 40

I guess one big fear I have is for next fall, when I am living at home and basically having my ideal job for the moment this is all good stuff, but my network of friends is small to say the least. I do have a friend that I have gone to church with and is a solid Christian influence in my life and I have so much fun with her, but if I have to pick out one of the biggest lessons I have learned these past four years, it is that community is key for your Christian walk and right now I am learning that it is even more key when you go through rough seasons. I am praying for some sort of replacement for this community I have here on the team, with my roommates and other friends not on the team, supportive teachers/coaches. I had to start all over when I transferred in, my friends here saw this journey they know all about me and how I got here and what I need from them right now, but next year I am going to have to be a freshman all over again-this time a freshman to the real world.

However, amongst all this worrying I read Psalm 40 this morning, which was already highlighted from my first year for college...

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

He was faithful before, so I know that again He will grant me a "firm place to stand" held up by solid friends, and I will continue growing in and praising God-while the tune may be different due to different friends and environment, the words won't change...

some more lyrics...

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

the words i would say-sidewalk prophets

psalm 35

Read this with my morning coffee with the sound of the rain dropping outside as me and my roommates shared some giggles...by the way mom, we are getting a latte machine so you can be my new roommate who I have coffee and giggles with next year.

The first part is such truth for my life and those who surround me right now; I feel so genuinely loved, supported and cared for by people it is insane, even just the little random texts I get from old friends, or hugs I receive at practice out of the blue. I had dinner with a wonderful friend last night, and she was saying how it seems like our family is holding it together so well during all this and she just praised God for it...we are holding it together pretty darn well if I must say so myself (tay is still weird and crazy, dad is still funny and captain obvious, and mom is still martha stewart's definition of supermom sending me a card a day and a box of toys for every holiday) and I think it is obvious who we have to attribute our well-being and consistency to (God...)

The second part of the verse made me happy and again what a reminder to seek Him all throughout the day, no matter if we are stressing over stats, fighting through intervals, or simply sitting with our roommates sipping coffee.

²⁷ May those who delight in my vindication
shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, "The LORD be exalted,
who delights in the well-being of his servant."

²⁸ My tongue will speak of your righteousness
and of your praises all day long.

temporary home

more from my longgg drive!

I am not telling believers to live our lives in fear of trials, but we should expect them, "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you" (1 Peter 4:12). The devil is always against us, but God is always stronger and will make good of any trials this temporary home throws at us. But you know what, these trials we receive because we are believers are worth it, because at the end of the day we will instead receive a home that is blissful, eternal, and full of joy, all because we endured/survived while thriving and believing.

"Nothing comes into our lives by accident. It is either decreed or allowed by an all-wise, soverign God for our good" (Genesis 45:5-8)

Joseph's brothers meant their actions for evil, but you know what, God allowed it to happen so good would come out of it-Joseph saved his family/his whole nation. God will also use this evil cancer, for good.

another thought somewhat unrelated...

When we are on vacation, we live life to the fullest, embracing every moment in this temporary place. We also put our best foot forward to make good impressions on our hosts...so you know what, we should treat our time here on earth life vacation too, embracing everyday, and giving the people we encounter a positive glimpse of the joy a relationship with Jesus Christ has given us. I realize this is a bit of a stretch, but the example makes sense in my head!

GO GO GO HOCHS

*if you have seen the musical "joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat" you will understand the title...and if you have not, well, me and my father will gladly watch it with you anytime as it is one of our fav movies..

ok so little word of wisdom...never go for a 4.5 hour drive after you sit through an awesome church service. My whole drive back to school I was distracted by the awesome words I heard at church this morning, I need one of those little recording devices for when I am driving alone and have no one to write my thoughts down for me.

Alright, so church today was about Joseph and how he overcame all the evil stuff thrown in his life, words used to describe these evils include; dysfunctional, rejected, abandoned, slavery, falsely accused, prison, forgotten. But heres the thing, while all this junk was thrown at Joseph, the theme of his life is that God was with him even through the circumstances that did not necessesarily show that. While Joseph was undergoing all these trials he did not just sit and whine, nor did he simply try to survive; he thrived, he lived his life and served others as God would have wanted him to. In addition, Joseph did not take the easy way out when things were hard, rather, he stuck to his morals, and to God's plan. When times are hard or we are down it is so easy to just take a "shortcut", or make an excuse. But look at Joseph, he stayed true to himself and his God when he was going through disappointment after disappointment, he did not play victim, but instead lived his life as he should amidst his trials. Last weekend I had a nice night to myself as I relaxed, baked for friends, watched 'spirit of the marathon', and journaled...here is what I wrote "I don't want to play victim to life's unexpected circumstances, I want to fight to keep living with joy, living life to the fullest, an using my gifts and passions even when it is hard or I am tired or disheartened. I want to run and live as if there is still triumph and possibility in my life, because there is, we don't have to let cancer ruin what is left of our time together, because there is a great possibility that we could be ruining many years to come! " Todays sermon convicted me even more so to really take those words "not play victim" even more seriously, so today I decided I am not playing victim to my family's circumstances, I am not using cancer as an excuse in my workouts, in my friendships, in schoolwork, in my attitude. I have not been using it as an excuse, but it has always been in my head that if I am having a bad day cancer is why, when really it was my own selfish CHOICE to be a grumpy downer. Also, I decided over break not to try to train for the marathon in track because I thought it was going to be too hard emotionally to fight through something else, I was actually afraid that I would let bad thoughts come in my head as I was running and it would just break my body down. But you know what, when I was running the half this weekend I was so focused I did not let negative thoughts ruin my pace, I had so much joy while running, it was like a gift from God telling me that I am so capable and strong to fight through anything, triumph over adversity and to fight through the rough periods thrown at you in life and in a race. SO HA take that cancer. While qualifying would have been a fun story, the lessons learned this weekend were so much better (however, in my book I say I qualified because on my GPS at 13.1 miles I was at 1:36, so I am throwing my own nationals marathon after graduation, who wants to join? ya i didnt think anyone else is crazy enough...i know im weird for enjoying running for days)