3 things that I did not expect in December

<= Did not expect this

Well, I am done with college: 1) 5 months ago I did not think Daddy was going to be here to watch, 2) 5 months ago I was planning on putting aside all post-grad plans, putting my life on hold and moving home indefinitely, 3) 5 months ago I could barely make it through a day, and I had no idea how I was going to pass my classes, run, be a friend to my friends.

As always, God got me through it, well not just got me through it but THROUGH it, like thriving, not barely surviving, so praise God for this:

1) Not only was Dad at my graduation, but he was walking fine, and he looked more like my Dad (I very upset he had lost so much weight because he looked so different-as I have said before I don't do change well).

2) My parents kept urging me just to apply for things for the summer and next year because we did not know what Dad's status would be by then; well considering how well he is doing it is a good thing I applied! I will be a counselor at Mt Hermon this summer (at Ponderosa) and I am so excited to pour myself into the high school and junior high girls who come through my cabin, as well as be put back into a Christian community.

3) The beginning of the semester was really rough, too many tears were shed too unexpectedly, I just wanted to be home, I had a hard time focusing in class, and really was just surviving each day. Ronald Reagan's daughter wrote about grieving, "learning to take those first messy, stumbling steps, about the struggle to keep walking even though the path is shadowy and strewn with unexpected obstacles". I think that is what the beginning of the semester was, my world had never been so rocked, and I was trying to feel out how to adjust to this new reality, but I was having this battle against myself and God because I did not want this new reality. This vicious circle was going to continue if I did not face the path that I was now walking on. It is like regret, you are never going to move on and forgive yourself if you do not accept the decision you made and ask for forgiveness.

Anyways, I passed my classes, even statistics, bumped my cumulative GPA up to a 3.0. I finished the track season, not how I wanted to, but I ran at conference nonetheless, and of course I had to choose the loooonnng 10k race instead of getting it over quickly with a 1500 or something. Track season was not how I pictured the end of something that has been a major part of my life, and really a part of who I am for 10 years, but, like with everything else going on I accepted it and moved on. And finally, with my friends, well they have been the most patient angels ever, and put up with me when I am upset or angry or just need to be emotional for God knows what reason. At the beginning of the semester, I could do nothing but take from them, but as the semester went on I learned to be able to shelf my own emotions for when my friends needed a shoulder or listening ear. That sounds really braggy, I am not trying to sound like a saint.

So that is where I am at, I have adjusted, matured, and accepted this reality. Of course, I still get upset, but then I remember that this is our reality for a reason, and we are lucky that we have time. Speaking of time...

I am so thankful that God has made my Dad part of the 15% with the special gene that gives them the ability to live longer with lung cancer and they get to use some special medicine. It is neat because in the middle of this horribleness, He offers us glimpses of hope that remind us to keep following Him, obeying Him, and praising Him. He has reminded us again that He is still sovereign, in charge, and capable of miracles. I have been reminding myself all the time that my life is probably not going to turn out like a fairytale, but this gene sure makes it feel like a fairytale for this new normal we have.

I am reading "The Long Goodbye" by Patti Davis, my Coach let me borrow it to read, she is Ronald Reagan's daughter, and it is about the time after learning about his Alzheimer's diagnosis and through his death. She already stole my plan of turning all my journals and writing through this ordeal into a book. I have only read the prologue, and have already written 2 pages in response in my journal. She was talking about time and how that is a big battle with Alzheimer's, and it helped me wrap my head around this battle against time I feel like my family is fighting. Time feels like an enemy and also so precious in our situation. However, I am at this age and transition in life where time is supposed to be fun to play around with, we are supposed to be free to wander, and I guess waste time, before we "settle down" with the job, family etc. So time is a constant battle, I am trying to find a balance between the two approaches. Here is a great quote from Patti Davis though, "We discover ourselves, assemble our priorities, through beginnings and endings, joys and sorrows. Time carries us like a river and we change along the way".

Another quote on my heart from another book I am reading from my coach, "A Simple Path" by Mother Teresa, "If we didn't have legs we would not be able to walk, if we didn't have eyes we wouldn't be able to see, without faith, we are not able to believe in things that are mysteries and tat are beyond our capacity to comprehend", I think it speaks for itself.