It has been a month, and I am stuck in OZ

Hi Daddy, I can't believe it has been a month already, I still forget you are gone, I still go to call your cellphone as I am driving from job to job, you are still on my "favorites" list on my phone.  I don't think I'll ever be able to take that off.

You know those dreams that jolt you awake suddenly...that has been what it has been like since you have been gone, I am going along fine and then suddenly I am jolted awake by that terrible reminder that you are gone.  It is not fun.

Everyone says you are in a better place, which obviously I believe, and I truly am so happy for you that you have a healthy cancer-free body, and I am so happy you are with your Dad, and with Jesus-you were so excited to meet Jesus and give your Dad a hug again and tell him about what has been going on.

But the thing is, I am stuck here, and I just want you to give me a hug again, and say "Hey Bud!  What's going on?  You rock!"  I miss you so much Daddy.
It is encouraging to know you have made it to the promised land, so full of milk and honey, and so absent of cancer, tears, pain, and stupid people.
But the thing is, I am stuck here in Oz.  I feel like Dorothy.  All I want is to put on some pretty glittery ruby red slippers and get back to my Auntie Ann, you.  Yes, Oz can be nice, it is green and shiny.  There are lots of people that make Oz enjoyable, and who skip along the yellow brick road with me.  There are fun songs to sing and pretty flowers to smell.  But...there are also some crazy flying monkeys and scary witches that bring along pain and heartache.  And really, not even the wizard, or Glinda, or my fun new friends like tinman and scarecrow can take away the pain of missing you.

But....I also know this is God's command for now.  Like Joshua and the Israelites were commanded to get circumcised and then go to war...I too am commanded to undergo some painful trials that don't really make sense [YES I understand the parallel I just drew, leave me alone I am grieving]. God's commands are not always comfortable, or as we would choose.  But they ultimately develop our growth and our complete dependence on God.

So that is how I feel today. kinda blah. and wanting to miss my Dad, so I am going to. and I might cry a little, my counselor demanded me to cry more, she also said I need to run more, so I will if she says so, because I don't like crying or hurting or missing you.
But for today, I am going to do all of the above. except run because theres no time for that today and I have ran the last 3 days which is more than I have the whole month.

Now, go hug your Dad.

My talk from Daddy's service.

At my very last XC race senior year of college, my parents were talking to the mom of a teammate who was battling cancer, she was telling them how “the doctors can give me all kinds of expectations and limitations, but only God knows when my time will come”.  That was a month and half before Dad was diagnosed.  That became our motto and such encouragement through this time.  They gave my Dad 9months, he lived 2years&9months.

And that's how my dad lived his life, he just loved Jesus and he trusted him so much.  My dad just shone Jesus no matter where he was and who he was with.  

Email from dad…

“If God is for us who can be against us? Romans 8:31.  I read this in my quiet time today….  If this verse does not allow you to operate your life with no fear of the future I don’t know what will.  For you guys to fully understand the power of this verse, this thought you need to understand how amazingly powerful, personal and loving our God is.

 I want you 2 to live boldly for Christ.  Not to leave in fear of what may come since God is for us.  Even though God has allowed this evil cancer to enter my body, God is for me….. He can completely heal me if he decides that is the course to take or worse case I will live in the Glory of eternity with Him and no cancer.  If that happens what will happen with you guys and Mom?  Nothing to be fearful of since God is for you. God will bless your futures, and I am looking forward to what he has planned for both of you.  Remember to “delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your hear”

You guys are awesome! “

My dad was the best.

 He was my coach and personal cheerleader; he drove me early morning to soccer tournaments, critically evaluated my play to help me improve when I told him I wanted to be Brandi Chastain when I was older, researched Achilles tendonitis when I got injured in HS and listened to all my complaining about stress fractures, he was at every cross country race and would be wherever I told him to be on the course-sprinting across the course in his faded jeans, grey Santa Clara sweatshirt, and baseball cap, even fall of my sr year, I had to call him before every race.

He was my buddy: sang along to my favorite song for about 5 years “another dumb blonde”, spent Friday nights watching everybody loves Raymond with his exhausted graduate student, talked to me about boys and agreed that they are sometimes stupid, expressed his concerns if a boy was too serious to appreciate Dwight from the office, he drove to sb and back in one day just to take me to dinner because I was homesick.  He was the best person to verbally process to, the best listener ever

He was also my patient math tutor, until it got to stats my sr year of college, then he paid my friend to take his place.

He was my spiritual leader; met the lord on a day he convinced me to go to church, helped me through old/new/cd as a poor public school kid who never paid attn in Sunday school, sent me email tips on bible studies I led for my campers, my go to search engine for a verse, gave me club talk tips as I went through yl trainer-here you go dad this qualifies as my first club talk.  There would be times I would be walking into his room wanting him to pray and he would start before I even asked him to-he always knew what I needed when I needed it.

There is so much I will miss about spending time with my dad: my nightly bedtime cuddles, him kissing my head telling me “goodnight sweetie, you rock, you’re awesome, you’re the best”.  Conversations which turn into major spiritual insights without meaning to, laughing at the office, having him rub between my toes-pretty sure no other man will offer that, acting embarrassed when he sings even though I really love it, having him read the night before xmas, having him pray for me,

I don’t know what to do now that he is gone, I keep telling people I wish there was a guidebook, and like my coach told me yesterday “it isn’t good what happened to your dad, but life is still going to be good”.  Besides not knowing what to do with my dad gone, I don’t know where my career is taking me I’ve got 50 jobs and no clue where they are headed, Taylor is graduating college and he doesn’t know, my mom doesn’t know what she is going to do with her time.  But, as I was running a few days ago this song called banner of love came on and it talks about our responsibility to raise Jesus’ banner of love over the world…and I realized that is what my dad would want us to do, love Jesus, love each other, and lead others closer to Jesus by the love we show.

Why today was good: sharing

Yesterday was good because I got to share one of my favorite lessons from this whole cancer thing with one of my athletes.
He found out he has lymphatic cancer yesterday.
I went to visit him in the hospital, thank goodness it was not the oncology floor, I wouldn't have done it.
Before I left I told him I only wanted to give him one word of wisdom.  This is own journey I did not want to take away from it.  So I told him; "the doctors can tell you lots of things, lots of diagnosis', expectations, etc., BUT the only one who actually knows exactly what is going on is God."

So that was why yesterday/today was good, I got to use my experience.

Why today is good.

Today a man who works at SLAC and a regular attendee of the gym here walked past and asked how I was...naturally I said good.  He asked, how is that?  How do you do that, be good?  And i thought to myself JESUS my friend, Jesus.  But I did not say that, so I said, well, lots of reasons!  And he said ok give me one tip each day to being good/or one reason you are good, so I gave him one.

Reason #1. Go to bed at 9:30pm.  

So this begins, my new blog, a reason a day why life is still good.
Book idea?
maybe ;)

Dad does not fit in a box.

Today I am grumpy.  Today I do not like this new normal.  It is not fun, and it is also not fun when they bring your "Dad" home in a box the size of my study bible.  I mean, I know my Dad got skinny, but last I checked he wasn't that small.  So dear man who called this box in a white gift bag "my Dad", YOU SUCK.  That is not my Dad, and you do not have the rights to call it my Dad.
That box cannot tell me he loves me, hold me as I cry, rub my feet which are blistered from my new fall boots.  That box cannot read the Night Before Christmas to me, watch Everybody Loves Raymond, laugh at Dwight and Andy on the office, or play Sequence with me.  That box cannot grill some mean veggies for me, eat cookies n cream ice cream like its his job, sip on diet 7up with me.
That box cannot walk me down the aisle when I get married or cheer on Tayman at his graduation or coach our future kids in sports.
So NO.  That box is not my Dad.

But the sun peering through the clouds this morning looking oh so heavenly might be, depending on the hour you ask me today because my emotions change by the hour.

2 Corinthians 4:17

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!

#Let'shopetheydontlastlong

Titanic, cancer, and Hitler

Well, titantic sunk.  No matter how many times you watch that movie, you always hope the ship misses that iceberg and jack lives a long, wrinkly life.
We knew the cancer would strike its final blow at some point, but I think I was still having a child-like faith that a miracle could happen...

God knew this day was coming, from the moment he started forming the stars, he knew the path my Dad's life would take.
Just like he knew titantic would sink...
So why let all those innocent people get on board that ship?  Why not cause a storm that canceled their crossing?  Why not break the ship's engine before they set off so no one could go?

In my bible study we are reading letters from a skeptic, a lot of our questions cover topics like why does an all powerful God let evil, and bad, and cancer, and ship wrecks enter the world...if He is so powerful why not have Hitler's mom have a miscarriage before this evil man was born so that Hitler never led the Holocaust?

I do not know exactly why God does not stop bad stuff before it happens, we know that bad stuff is here because of the fall blah, blah, blah...but I don't know why bad stuff happens still if God has the power to cause the flood, the red sea to part, to resurrect Jesus from the dead, wiping out cancer or Hitler should be as easy as blinking for Him...

Here is what I do know, because I am a fan of looking on the bright side or "watering the grass where I am" (name that Bieber song reference)...

I know that everyone grows from hard stuff.

We are usually wiser/stronger/hopefully closer to God for it, it makes people think about God more and cling to Him more than usual which deepens our relationship with Him.  Just like with any relationship, if you have a shared experience with someone, you are closer than you were without it.
Without the hard stuff, we are american girl dolls roaming around in our perfect barbie dream houses, not growing, or changing, or experiencing.
Maybe we go through hard stuff because it gives us a glimpse of what Jesus did for us on the cross, this shared experience of pain, betrayal, sacrifice, death, sadness, brings us closer to Christ because we are able to taste a bit of the reality of what He did for us.

If I was dating a boy who had never ran in his life...heck yes I would make him try running so he understood me better.
When I meet fellow Boston Marathoners, we don't have to explain the pain, we simply nod, respect the other person a great deal, because they GET IT, they get the training it took to qualify, to register, to wait, to train again, and to run something harder than anything we have ever ran.  They understand why we could not walk normal for a week after.
When my uncle mentioned taylor's name at the service and the whole church laughed after, we all understood why, we had a shared understanding that Taylor is crazy lol

So theres a few thoughts on hard stuff.
I'll wait for a more in depth answer when I go join Daddy.

What i have seen....is that God PREPARES us, and he reveals His plan in PERFECT timing (HIS).

If we had found out when I was a baby that my Dad would get cancer when I was 21 years old, the first 21 years of my life would have had this looming cloud, I would be afraid of getting too close to someone I knew I would have to say bye to sooner rather than later.  Instead, I got an awesome, carefree 21 years with my Dad, and another 3 years of deep growth with him and my family.  I wouldn't have wanted to know earlier.
God revealed it to us when Taytay and I were deep enough in our faith to comprehend God.  When we had a strong community.  The list goes on. God prepared us for this and revealed it in great timing.
Cancer is not always great timing, but God is.

So even though bad stuff enters this world, God still has the upper hand.

Finishing the Race WELL

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace. Acts 20:24

I have connected this process of watching Dad struggle with cancer to running in so many ways, but right now I am at a point in the race I did not expect to come...the final miles.
Do not get me wrong, I still have childlike faith that a miracle IS fully possible, because that is Our God who is in control of Dad's time here, but at the same time I am acknowledging the state we are in.
While talking to a dear friend last week, this connection came to me as we both shared about struggles going on in our family lives (we ALSO have AWESOME JOYFUL things going on too!)  As said many times before "He gives, and takes away"  ya God is taking some things away from us, but shoot dang He is giving us some pretty awesome blessings too...

When Dad first got diagnosed Dec 29 2009, I always said I signed up for a race, I said "let's go God" on the floor of the Oncology bathroom through tears.  The past 2 years and 9months I have cried, prayed, praised, fought, surrendered and many more adjectives.  I have read books, listened to sermons, heard speakers, searched the hearts of many wise friends and mentors, and told my story to so many campers I could recite my testimony in my sleep.  

Bottom line-I have put in the training for this marathon.

Now it is race day.

Dad is not doing so hot, wouldn't call him the temperature of an ice bath, more like the temperature of the Pondy pool after night games...you can withstand it, but when you get out you freeze your butt off.  
[I don't even know if that made sense, I have been up since 4:30am for work, give me grace.]
Anyways, it is race day, Dad is on oxygen, moving much much more slowly than ever, very skinny, low energy, I'd say we are close to how he was when first diagnosed.
Tomorrow we hear results from his latest scan, this is the first time my mom has said she is not expecting good news.  For all the other scan she has said she is not expecting anything new.

Scary.

So it is race day, we are beginning the final miles of this marathon, not sure yet what mile we are on, but its in the final painful, grueling miles.  Our fatigue has hit, our glycogen stores have run out.  

This is what we have been training for.

This is where all we can do is lean on the cheering of our friends on the sideline, the confidence that we will taste victory when we cross that finish line, and lean on the knowledge that God WILL carry us through to the end. 
When we cross that finish line, it will be very painful, even the endorphins of finishing the race cannot cover up the stress our muscles and bunions have been through, but at the same time there is that joy of victory that we just thrived through a terrible storm and God helped us finish the race even when at times we thought it was unbearable.  When it is my Dad's time to go, it is still going to be very painful, we are human and this stuff hurts and sucks and blows and is not fair.  But you know what my Dad reminds me every time I go lie next to him and get my snot and tears all over his shirt..."Kaela, where do I get to go when I pass away?"...heaven, Dad, with Jesus, and Grandpa Hoch, and you will have no pain, and you can run and play basketball with Jesus, maybe referee some basketball games for the disciples, BBQ tri-tip, build an even more epic playhouse for when I get there, and check on Strawberry the cat.
I like that picture of my dad, refereeing for the disciples.  I bet him and my Grandpa are going to make a Young Life club in heaven for all the teenagers too, and play ridiculous games.

Now I am rambling.  But, we are in the final miles.  We don't know what the doctor is going to say tomorrow, but we do still know that God is in charge, not the doctors.

I also know, God is good no matter what happens tomorrow.  So So Good.  He has blessed our butts off and blew our minds during this marathon.  So many lessons learned about him through this, so much growth in each of our relationships with God, so much growth as a family, and little packets of Gu along the way like new jobs, precious visits with family, trips my parents got to take together, financial help, the opportunity for me to live at home and spend some great moments with my Dad.

So as mentioned at the top, our only job after whatever we hear tomorrow is to finish the race, praising our Heavenly Father's name all along the way, whether it is 15 years from now like Hezekiah in Isaiah 38...

In those days Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, “This is what the Lord says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover.”

² Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord, ³ “Remember, Lord, how I have walkedbefore you faithfully and with wholehearted devotionand have done what is good in your eyes.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly.
⁴ Then the word of the Lord came to Isaiah: ⁵ “Go and tell Hezekiah, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will add fifteen years to your life. ⁶ And I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria. I will defend this city.


¹⁰ I said, “In the prime of my life
    must I go through the gates of death
    and be robbed of the rest of my years?”
¹¹ I said, “I will not again see the Lord himself
    in the land of the living;
no longer will I look on my fellow man,
    or be with those who now dwell in this world.
¹² Like a shepherd’s tent my house
    has been pulled down and taken from me.
Like a weaver I have rolled up my life,
    and he has cut me off from the loom;
    day and night you made an end of me.
¹³ I waited patiently till dawn,
    but like a lion he broke all my bones;
    day and night you made an end of me.
¹⁴ I cried like a swift or thrush,
    I moaned like a mourning dove.
My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens.
    I am being threatened; Lord, come to my aid!”


or whether it is less than 15years, I will still praise His name...
Psalm 121

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

^{Because He makes all things work together for my good.}

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our heartsknows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[i] have been calledaccording to his purpose. 

ignore the cheesy videos, listen to the lyrics.

My Hope is in You Lord.

treasure in heaven

Cancer sucks.

It really truly does.

But you know what would suck even more?  If this messy, painful, disappointing world was all there was.

Matt 6:19-21

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

²² “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,^[c] your whole body will be full of light. ²³ But if your eyes are unhealthy,^[d] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

Little brother TayTay reminded me of a often forgotten thought-even though our Dad is not always going to be here on earth with us, this point is insignificant when we think about the eternity we get to spend with him and our Heavenly Father.  I think it was taytay that told me of a sermon by Francis Chan, he held a long rope and at the end held a very small portion explaining this time on earth is minuscule in comparison to eternity.  

After nearly 5 days in the hospital because of low blood oxygen levels my Dad came home with half of the hospital's toys with him-that's an exaggeration, but he does have a nifty oxygen tank.  This is one of the first big things to happen since the initial diagnosis, my Dad needing oxygen at home, I thought we were over that phase?  But as I always describe it, this cancer battle is a vicious circle.  However at the moment the circle is pausing in the vicious part

The Dr said on Tuesday that he thinks my Dad's cancer is progressing.

Sigh.

After hearing for nearly 3 years that the cancer is "stable", this was one of the top worse news items we have heard.  It is frustrating realizing his body can't fight forever and that we as humans can only do so much.  

God's heart is breaking as this story pans out.  

But He also knows the end, and we can trust that He is holding our hand no matter what is to come.

My prayers, and I hope that you will join me, are: that my Dad can have one "normal" day before Jesus takes him, one day he can feel strong and can do something he loves that he normally cannot.  Also, that he can make it to Taytay's graduation, we prayed he would make it to mine and he made it to 2 of mine so I believe with God's miraculous strength this is possible.

so for the moment I am trying to live like there is no tomorrow, this song came on the radio at 5:20am this morning as I drove to stanford and I think it is going to become a frequently played song in the beems..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83R-XQhDUWg

really?!....REALLY?!...touche' God, touche'

I wrote that previous post sunday night, tuesday night another bomb hit, not a good bomb though.
As I drove home from a very ineffective study session at orchard valley coffee, I saw my parents driving away, and they were driving away to the hospital because my dad's doctor called and said his blood was too low.  First off, doctor you suck for calling HOURS after his blood was tested, but that's a whole other issue.
I got home, parked, slammed my hand on my steering wheel (sorry bimms), and cried out to God so frustrated, "He DOES NOT deserve to suffer this much" no one does, but ESPECIALLY my dad, he has had enough struggles lately, give him a freaking break.
Texted taytay an angry text about my major dislike for cancer, press sent, and thennnn OUCH.  Called out by God.  The thought entered my head, I am assuming placed there by God because I was being a poor sport, "true he doesn't deserve to suffer, but neither did Christ, remember that thing called the crucifixion? Yup, wasn't deserved either.".
Touche' God, touche.
Paradigm shifted.  Again roasted by Jesus.  But thankful for the roasting because my attitude was placed back on track, as was my humility.


#YouThinkYouHaveItBad?LookWhatChristDid

little unexpected answers

This past weekend I went on a girls weekend with three of the best gals I know, going on 4 or 5 years of friendship now, we got the chance to see each other grow up in college, saw each other through weddings, major moves, job decisions, job frustrations, stupid boys, awesome boys, and they are the girls who literally saw me go from my "normal" life to my whole life being changed in a manner of seconds.  They are the ones who received frightened and scattered texts as I drove to the hospital that night, who held me and listened as I had breakdowns in our apartment back at school, the ones who knew how to make a rough day better with 2 buck chuck and dancing.  They deserve gold stars for the incredible friends they have been through this dramatic, bumpy ride and I am so grateful and humbled that they have never once given up on me (oh my gosh I am tearing up) and have stayed the truest, most selfless of friends when I sometimes feel I have nothing to offer in return.  They know when to make me talk, when to change the subject, and what kind of chocolate I like.
These three have seen the transformation firsthand and I don't have to explain anything to them because they have known every good update and every bad update.  


To me they have shown the love and comfort that Jesus calls us to give when times are good AND times are bad, they truly are the person of Jesus in the flesh and I am so glad He brought them to me.
10 minutes after I got home, I wrote this email to them.


My mind is blown.  I was super not looking forward to coming back to the reality of dealing with my dad.  I have been straight up praying the last month-ish that God would just heal him completely and work a miracle, God tells us to ask for the desires of our hearts, and that is my desire, so why not go big?  God is bigger anyways.  As I walk in the house after saying bye to kels my Dad starts telling me how he just got off the phone with his friend who is a physical therapist (or maybe he is an occupational therapist) and his friend has written a workout schedule for him ("workout" is very relative, think about what your grandparents do to exercise then dial it back even more).  But still, my Dad is stoked on it, and actually going for it, I have bothered him for years to do exercises to help him get stronger and live longer, and after enough people bug you/encourage you/write everything out for you, I guess thats what it takes.  So this is an answer to my prayer in a way, just not a way i was expecting, but this is all in the bigger story of my dad's life and my prayer life.  Just one more step towards him enjoying life a little more and showing himself and us he can fight harder.

so hashtags to take home....

#AmazingWhatALittleEncouragingCanDo   #EverythingInGod'sOwnTime   #PrayersAnsweredInUnexpectedWays 

#YouDon'tFeelLikeWorkingOutToday?WellMyDadWithStage4CancerAlreadyDidBoomRoasted

#GetOverYourProblemsGodIsStillWorkingThemOutForGoodIfYouKeepYourEyesFixed

In sickness...

Tonight was a pretty sad scene in the Hoch household...I've been sick with a cold/cough/throat/nose thing for at least a week (really I have no right to complain as you read the next two descriptions), Dad had chemo 2 days ago so he is experiencing the worst of his side effects right now, and Mom has a certain medical procedure in the morning-my Mom WILL kill me if she reads this but lets just say the bathrooms are rather occupied tonight...
Here I am babysitting Zoe and making sure not to make any noise and to keep the house clean as possible so no one gets irritated or has to work harder than they should.  It is a scary look into the future, someday MY parents will be as old as my grandparents God-willing, it is a look into the fragility of everything, and the fact that as much as I hate it, everyday is another day of getting older.  
I miss the days of being taken care of; my Dad running around being silly with me, seeing him come home from refereeing a basketball game, having him drive down to SB and back in one day to spend just a few hours with me, jumping on his back, thinking he was the strongest man alive for making a million trips up the flights of stairs to my sixth floor dorm in san diego on a 100degree day, driving 9hours down to san diego to move me out after freshman year and ending the night with ice cream and praying for my time coming up at woodleaf and westmont.
Dad still is the most selfless and prayer-concious person I know, and the most devoted father/husband/friend I know...it just comes out in different ways, ways that are not quite as grand-gestured, but the underlying point is still there-he is committed to me and God and pushing me towards BIG dreams that God has for me.  Dad doesn't ref anymore, mom will usually drive the long distances, thanks to p90x I think I am stronger than Dad now (well, most of the time, the man has a crazy golgi-tendon effect I'm sure).  But, there are new ways he shows his selflessness and best-dad-in-the-world title...wanting to hear all about everything in my life when I plop down on the couch next to him, asking what he can pray for and doing it right then, writing me the most encouraging emails when I am having a rough day, writing the most encouraging cards for special events or life in general that move me to tears and make me believe I am superwoman-all because he thinks I am superwoman, teaching me everything I need to know about money and bills and annoying things I don't like to understand.  Most of this happens on our beige leather couch downstairs, it is a very soft couch, you just kind of sink into it-it has saved a safe spot in it for Dad to read, journal, pray, and nap everyday.  It has also created a safe spot for me to chat with my Daddy, and to have him poor into me like he always has.
Even on those days Dad is weakest or sickest he still cares for me and tells me goodnight and whispers an "I love you beautiful girl" to me and my Mom.  I know his secret, besides the comfy couch, it is Jesus.  
Jesus said "Even when you are old, I will be the same.  Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you.  I made you and will take care of you.  I will carry you and save you". (Isaiah 46:4)
So on those days that the people who love me most and take care of me more than any earthly person ever could (my parents), are down for the count and go to bed hours before me and are more friendly with the heating pad than with me-I know Jesus is taking care of me, and of them, and of Taylor up serving at Young Life camp.
So for tonight, it is me, Jesus, and Zoe.  Zoe has been snoring for 30minutes, so I guess tonight, it is me and Jesus.


And NO ONE tell my mother of this post, she would be humiliated by the bathroom reference-whatever, everyone knows of my bathroom issues while running. #RunnersTrots #I'mHuman #SoAreYouMom

God will provide

Jehovah-Jireh. It means God will provide. This morning I read my morning devotional which was on Abraham. It was all about how even at his lowest point, as he was about to sacrifice his son Isaac, he was still looking to God and trusting He would provide. Which He did. But the point is Abraham chose to do nothing but trust and hope and be confident in His God, our God, the only God who will provide what we need when we need it. He sees the future and sees what we will need and when. He will not part the seas until we need to have them parted, all we have to do is trust that he will part them, because that is the caring God He is, the God who provides for our every need. Emphasis on the need not want.

I shared my testimony today in front of the biggest group I have to yet. Every time I share I realize something new God had orchestrated in my life, another instance where he provided just what I needed to get me where I am. Today's theme of my testimony turned out to be that He will provide, which He does.

Senior year of college when my Dads health was in chaos, guess how God provided: he made the rest of my life stable, in the terms of jobs, school, and the ability to move home to spend time with my parents. He provided stability when my life seemed in complete instability. Right now, my future is quite uncertain, but Dad's health is stable. Funny how things work out, funny how God knows us better than we can know ourselves.

So praise Jehovah-Jireh, and trust that when the time is right He will part the seas and show us the next step.