reflection for aunt beths mission trip

At 7:00 pm December 28, 2009 I was watching a rerun of the office, wondering if this boy liked me, and thinking about what I wanted for dinner; at 7:20 I let out the most painful cry I ever heard a person make and collapsed into a ball on the cold, hard hospital floor as I saw my Dad cry for the first time of my life. I never in a million years thought I would hear my Daddy say the words “The doctors found cancer, they say I have up to a year”. I continued yelling the words “no” and “stop it” because nothing else could get out amongst my tears. I had never experienced such deep, irreversible pain. When I returned home that night all I could think to do was open my bible; the first verse that struck my eye was 1 Thessalonians 5:16, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”. So that is what began my approach on this seemingly devastating event; instead of being angry at my new “normal” I decided to take it in stride and choose joy through it all. This approach came surprisingly easily, and I have no one to accredit it to other than God. Oswald Chambers describes my ability to choose joy best in his book My Utmost for His Highest, “Being born of the Spirit means much more than we generally take it to mean. It gives us a new vision and keeps us absolutely fresh for everything by the perennial supply of the life of God”. My whole journey through building my relationship with God has prepared me for this season of my life, and learning to trust that His hand has been on every event that has occurred in my life is one of the biggest things I have learned thus far. Don’t think I have this all down; I am learning everyday how to walk about this new land where everything is tainted with the thought of my father’s cancer. However, with the knowledge of how great His love for me is and that He hates to see my family going through this pain, I am never going to doubt Him or stop worshipping Him because I cannot survive without Him. With the love of God on our side it will provide us with the strength and peace to manage through all the ups and downs and chaos of life. Living with regrets and “what ifs” is not going to get me anywhere, and it is not glorifying God because asking “what ifs” is questioning God’s will. Don't ask questions, just go. There is no normal or fair life; we take what we are given, grab it by the horns and run with it, simply because there is nothing else we can do. When a race starts I don't ask anyone how hard this is going to be, or how it is going to end up. I just let my legs take me where the course mapped out for me goes; I follow the path and see where it ends up. This life is not for us anyways; this life is for us to glorify God with, not to plot our plan for our perfect fairy tale ending. I am a planner so practicing not worrying about the future is very difficult for me, but with this news of my Dads cancer it made it even more evident that we have no idea what forks in the road God will present, so worrying about the future is unnecessary and all we can do is prepare ourselves for whatever it is that does come our way. Surrounding us with solid friends and family, digging into God’s word, and practicing His presence and trust. God’s will is always whatever is at hand; there is no wrong path to choose if you are living a Christ-centered life that follows His commands. Worrying about the future and living a life full of anxiety is unproductive and pointless once you learn to have peace that God is in control, so currently I am learning to be assured that God has got me so tightly wrapped up in His arms and will. While it is hard to believe these tears shed by my family are the will of God, everyday I am learning to trust and I know we will all be okay and will all be better lights for God because of it. Appreciating everyday with my Dad and enjoying my own health is going to help me live everyday to the fullest as God intends. We can make all the plans we want, but in the drop of a hat our world can change. If we focus on making plans for next week or next year, we won't be living everyday to it's fullest. All of God’s plans for us are good, even this cancer although it is hard and painful at the same time. God is bigger than your stress, than your hurt heart, than that decision, and He is in control of them all, so all we need to do is live out today’s gift because He has tomorrow taken care of.

give me peace oh God

"Those who have the wind of the Holy Spirit in their souls glide ahead even while they sleep. If the vessel of our soul is still being tossed by winds or storms, we should wake the Lord who has been resting with us all along, and He will swiftly calm the sea."-Brother Lawrence

I am practicing asking God to take away my anxiety any time is arises, instead of letting it consume my thoughts and emotions and attitude, asking Him to remove it and replace those feelings with His love and grace and peace that transcends all understanding.

Highlights: I now have two jobs next fall, as coach and at a running store. Mt Hermon this summer as a counselor at ponderosa, I am so excited to poor my heart and soul for Christ into the girls in my cabin, and be there for them with wisdom and experience, lets face it with all my screw ups and experiences in life I am a good light to speak to high school girls. I cannot wait to spend this summer not for myself, but for others, I feel so used by God it is such a ridiculously perfect feeling and gives me joy every time I think about it.

So in God's will right now, things keep falling into place, it is so so beautiful.

lyrics that made my heart smile this morning

SAFE- Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

On and On-Chasen

Some say we need a miracle
Some say there’s no hope at all
But I know Your love is strong, it goes on and on and on and on
Rise up when it gets us down
It’ll be the voice in a blaring crowd
Because we know Your love will lead us home
It goes on and on and on and on…

I tried my way
It always ends up being a mistake
But You’re right when You say
That You set the time for the plans You make
I never thought that I could ever learn to let it go
Somehow its better when I follow in the paths You show
So I’m here I’m waiting
Cause I believe

There is no fear of belief
There’s just this cold reality
That wants to take me away from You
There is no doubt in my mind
That in Your perfect time
Your plans and Your ways will unfold.

* But we are not going to let the fears and pain the world wants to instill in us through this experience take away our faith and love for God, and our trust that He is in control and with us.

perfectly made

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

We know God made us perfect in His eyes, we are exactly how He intended. We also know that God does not do bad things to us, or wish painful experiences like cancer on us. We also know that God can defeat any evil. So then why does disease and disaster happen in this world? I don't think we will ever fully know this answer until we actually get an explanation from God, not that we even need an explanation, since it is HIS world, not ours, and we are simply his tools.

Well those ponderings have been brief questions in my mind throughout these past few months, and as usual my brain got a thinkin on my run yesterday. I swear I get different workouts from the rest of the girls on just the right days when God has some thinking for me to do, because yesterday I was sent on a longer run than the rest so I had some good Kaela and God time...

Here is what my brain worked through: I know this cancer did not surprise God, I am positive He has known since He decided there was going to be a Kevin Hoch that this Kevin was also going to have cancer. Why God decided it was going to happen now, well there is proof of God's perfect timeline because as I said before if it happened any earlier I would not have been as solid in my faith, me and Tay would not be at the same school, Grandma has Jerry etc. etc. So why would the "perfect" construction in God's eyes of my Dad contain cancer? Well that leads me back to this summer when I worked with kids and adults with disabilities; most of us would not think someone who is in a wheelchair 24/7 with cerebral palsy, or a child with Down's Syndrome, as perfectly made or "normal". After working with some of the most joyful kids I have ever seen, I concluded there really is no "normal" in God's eyes. So you know since there is no absolute worldly perfect or normal, maybe perfect in God's eyes for my Dad included cancer, that is just his normal. And for Blaire, God's perfect includes Down's Syndrome, and for Dylan it includes Cerebral Palsy. What I am realizing is I need to get over thinking, "man, what happened to my average, normal life", NO, my life is still perfectly made and normalized in God's plan, it is just a different normal than what I have known. Because I am not good with change, this is going to be a working process accepting this new normal, but I am getting there.

And that's the way it is (so tempted to break out into celine dion right now), and I am "saying YES to God in a big way everyday"-not my words, thanks Kate ;)

I hope this made sense, it is really hard to put my running thoughts down on paper, I swear I need to carry a voice recorder with me as I run or something!

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

This is our reality, so let's work with it. Not just get through it, but thrive with it and adjust as necessary...

Psalm 40

I guess one big fear I have is for next fall, when I am living at home and basically having my ideal job for the moment this is all good stuff, but my network of friends is small to say the least. I do have a friend that I have gone to church with and is a solid Christian influence in my life and I have so much fun with her, but if I have to pick out one of the biggest lessons I have learned these past four years, it is that community is key for your Christian walk and right now I am learning that it is even more key when you go through rough seasons. I am praying for some sort of replacement for this community I have here on the team, with my roommates and other friends not on the team, supportive teachers/coaches. I had to start all over when I transferred in, my friends here saw this journey they know all about me and how I got here and what I need from them right now, but next year I am going to have to be a freshman all over again-this time a freshman to the real world.

However, amongst all this worrying I read Psalm 40 this morning, which was already highlighted from my first year for college...

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

He was faithful before, so I know that again He will grant me a "firm place to stand" held up by solid friends, and I will continue growing in and praising God-while the tune may be different due to different friends and environment, the words won't change...

some more lyrics...

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

the words i would say-sidewalk prophets