bits of my senior paper

Here are some parts of my 17 page senior paper that have to do with my dad's cancer, at least the parts I didn't steal from my blog to paste into my paper, shhh...

My college experience has been quite the journey, I feel as though I will see it in a movie someday, it will be one of those movies that makes the audience cry, laugh, and be angry at times. After viewing the movie of my life, it will leave the audience wanting to shout my favorite quote from a movie, “Every morning when I wake up and see there’s a whole ‘nother day I just go absolutely ape!” (Audrey Hepburn, Paris When It Sizzles), because no matter the season of my life, the audience can see just how perfectly planned it was by our creator.

When I was in high school, it was so hard for me to believe that I would receive the things I wanted; I was convinced the world was against me. Once I found a relationship with God, things seemed to start looking up for me. Now with a few more years of faith under my belt, I realize that things seemed to be going my way because I was obeying God’s promptings; this radical obedience brought with it radical blessings. I have this peace that God has me right where He wants me and that He has my family firmly in His hands. That is a goal of mine in life, to never lose that trust that God’s will is whatever is at hand. There is no wrong path to choose when living a Christ-centered life that follows His commands. Worrying about the future and living a life full of anxiety is unproductive and pointless, but instead find the peace that God is in control. Currently I am learning to be assured that God has got me so tightly wrapped up in His arms and will. While it is hard to believe these tears shed by my family are the will of God, everyday I am learning to trust and to know that we will be okay. Appreciating everyday with my Dad and enjoying my own health is going to help me live everyday to the fullest as God intends. We can make all the plans we want, but in the drop of a hat our world can change. If we focus on making plans for next week or next year, we won't be living everyday to its fullest. All of God’s plans for us are good, even this cancer although it is “hard and painful at the same time”(Sittser, 22). God is bigger than my stress, than my hurt heart, than that decision, and He is in control of them all, so all we need to do is live out today’s gift because He has tomorrow taken care of. That is another life goal of mine, to live everyday as best as I can, because the moment is all we know we have. Furthermore, I want to live out this excerpt from The Practice of The Presence of God, no matter how unbearable life may be at times, "If we knew how much He loves us, we would always be ready to face life-both its pleasures and its troubles” (Brother Lawrence, 55). That is my third main aim in life, to be fully aware of how much God loves me, and to share with others how much He loves them and is pulling for them, no matter how bleak the situation seems.

Through writing this paper I have read all of my journals since freshman year of high school, cover to cover, so one can imagine the experiences and lessons I relived. However, I believe looking back is important to be aware of where we are and why we are here, and to give thanks to God for bringing us here, it also reminds me every time I look back on how perfectly planned out my life has been according to God’s will. A lot of the pain we deal with is caused by our unwillingness to face the pain and the past, we have to be willing to look back, but also know we are forgiven the first time we ask for it. If we constantly ask for forgiveness, we are surely giving God a good chuckle, because He forgave us the first time we asked. We were the joy and hope that kept Christ motivated on the cross, we were His living hope, therefore we should make Him our living hope. The band Casting Crowns summarizes my journey writing this paper, and how I see myself stepping out into the future best in their song, “Somewhere in the Middle”, “Somewhere between who I was and who you’re making me, somewhere in the middle you’ll find me”. My past is a reference point to use as a story, and as encouragement for the woman I am right now. I know where I will be living for the next year, as well as where I am working, and I am excited about these adventures; however the future of my Dad’s life is very unknown but also very limited in the time he does have and it has a handprint on everything I do. To be honest, that part makes me very scared and hesitant to walk into the future. However, as I have constantly repeated in this paper, I know the future is God’s will and in His hands, and that knowledge is allowing me to live each day as best I can without allowing the unknowns to weigh me down, steal my joy, or forget my own journey.

my last race...

My dad was the first “running buddy” I ever had. When in elementary school we realized I was gifted, and his “little speed demon” he is the one who would go on my weekend jogs with me. Eventually I left him in the dust and that probably spurred his name he gave me for Indian Princesses “Runs like the Wind”. Daddy was at every race, and if he wasn’t there of course I had to call him right before. He was the one person I looked for during my races and always kept my ears in tune for his yelling, if he told me to go, I WENT. So many early mornings with him driving to my races, or staying in hotels in the middle of nowhere to run at Woodward. So many dishes left in his car as I slept and ate on the way to my races. He could tell exactly how I was feeling during a race; in pain, determined, or angry. Even in college I have to call him right before my race and have a minor panic attack if he is not there. He has definitely been my number one fan and encourager when I have been frustrated or disappointed in my performance or with an injury. He has researched my injuries, found me doctors, massaged my shins, cracked my back, kissed my blisters, tightened my spikes, and carried me when I am too exhausted. The man probably ran twice as much as me during some of my xc races just so he could get to the spots I told him I need him to be. I mean the man ran to the top of the library hill at this fall’s Westmont invite, talk about devotion (and that also shows how fast that dang cancer sprung up). My dad has driven me to every wharf to wharf race for the past probably 9 years or so (except this last one cuz my best friends were visiting so they drove me). I am about to really have my last race while being part of a team. It is SO bizarre, I have been competitively running since 6^th grade, and now that chapter is going to close. My dad is going to be at the race (oh and did I mention I of course had to choose the 10 k, yes, that is 25 laps, yes I am aware I am insane). I have not been running well this track season, probably because my stress level and lack of sleep and other things need my emotional strength more these days compared to racing. I am going to run my best, coach and me do not have any expectations for me, and just finishing is enough of an accomplishment right now for us. But having my dad be at my last race, just like he was at my first race when I was a scrawny 6^th grader at the Campbell middle school race where I went out way too fast and learned my lesson. Having him there is enough, and this personal battle I know the race is going to be is going to be a testament to myself and my dad that we can do anything when we trust in God’s strength to provide even in the scariest and most limited situations. This fall I will be coaching, driving to all the same races I ran in my younger years where my dad was always at the finish line, so it will be fun to reminiscence on all those early morning drives to invitationals, or late afternoon backseat changes from cross-country uniform to soccer cleats as we book it across town.

track devo..

What I shared with the track team yesterday...

“I don’t know what’s to become of me. It seems that a tranquil soul and a quiet spirit come to me even while I sleep. Because I am at rest, the trials of life bring me no suffering. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I feel so serene it doesn’t matter. What do I have to be afraid of when I’m with Him? I stay with Him as much as I can. May He be blessed for everything! Amen.” Brother Lawrence, The practice of the presence of God p.43

This kind of describes where my heart is right now, it is a really cool and beautiful feeling, to have your heart being held by the One who wants the best for it and wants good for you. Without this relationship I have been building with God since the 2^nd month of my freshman year of college, I would not be here everyday with a smile on my face amongst the pain my family is going through with my Dad’s cancer. Don’t get me wrong, I cry, I hurt, I worry, but anytime this seemingly unredeemable situation gets the better of me, this amazing blanket of peace just transcends my whole being and a smile becomes so easily formed on my face and I feel this strong sense of joy that keeps me from collapsing. Before December 29 this year, I always said that if one of my parents or brother got cancer I would be unable to stand upright, and more so, find joy in life. However, the night we found out, I spent a few moments by myself reflecting, and believe it or not the verse that I happened to turn to in my Bible was 1 Thessalonians 5:16, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”. So because I had this relationship with God that had been forming through various other personal struggles in my life, this peace amongst the madness was so easily granted to me because I have seen Him get me through it before and turn it all to good. I am not saying I am using Him as a security blanket, because with a mature relationship with God I know it is so much more than that, but I am saying I am walking through this holding God’s hand and listening to what He has to teach me and how He wants to use me because of this. Now I know not everyone’s family members have cancer, but even in your own trials, disappointments, confusion I pray you can find this peace I have. I am just encouraging you to get right with God before something surprising happens, don’t wait, or if you are in a storm right now, I pray you wil allow Him to mold your heart and to let go of your own clenched fists and allow Him to hold your hand and walk with you.

“Those who have the wind of the Holy Spirit in their souls glide ahead even while they sleep. If the vessel of our soul is still being tossed by winds or storms, we should wake the Lord who has been resting with us all along, and He will swiftly calm the sea”(p.31)