reflection for aunt beths mission trip

At 7:00 pm December 28, 2009 I was watching a rerun of the office, wondering if this boy liked me, and thinking about what I wanted for dinner; at 7:20 I let out the most painful cry I ever heard a person make and collapsed into a ball on the cold, hard hospital floor as I saw my Dad cry for the first time of my life. I never in a million years thought I would hear my Daddy say the words “The doctors found cancer, they say I have up to a year”. I continued yelling the words “no” and “stop it” because nothing else could get out amongst my tears. I had never experienced such deep, irreversible pain. When I returned home that night all I could think to do was open my bible; the first verse that struck my eye was 1 Thessalonians 5:16, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”. So that is what began my approach on this seemingly devastating event; instead of being angry at my new “normal” I decided to take it in stride and choose joy through it all. This approach came surprisingly easily, and I have no one to accredit it to other than God. Oswald Chambers describes my ability to choose joy best in his book My Utmost for His Highest, “Being born of the Spirit means much more than we generally take it to mean. It gives us a new vision and keeps us absolutely fresh for everything by the perennial supply of the life of God”. My whole journey through building my relationship with God has prepared me for this season of my life, and learning to trust that His hand has been on every event that has occurred in my life is one of the biggest things I have learned thus far. Don’t think I have this all down; I am learning everyday how to walk about this new land where everything is tainted with the thought of my father’s cancer. However, with the knowledge of how great His love for me is and that He hates to see my family going through this pain, I am never going to doubt Him or stop worshipping Him because I cannot survive without Him. With the love of God on our side it will provide us with the strength and peace to manage through all the ups and downs and chaos of life. Living with regrets and “what ifs” is not going to get me anywhere, and it is not glorifying God because asking “what ifs” is questioning God’s will. Don't ask questions, just go. There is no normal or fair life; we take what we are given, grab it by the horns and run with it, simply because there is nothing else we can do. When a race starts I don't ask anyone how hard this is going to be, or how it is going to end up. I just let my legs take me where the course mapped out for me goes; I follow the path and see where it ends up. This life is not for us anyways; this life is for us to glorify God with, not to plot our plan for our perfect fairy tale ending. I am a planner so practicing not worrying about the future is very difficult for me, but with this news of my Dads cancer it made it even more evident that we have no idea what forks in the road God will present, so worrying about the future is unnecessary and all we can do is prepare ourselves for whatever it is that does come our way. Surrounding us with solid friends and family, digging into God’s word, and practicing His presence and trust. God’s will is always whatever is at hand; there is no wrong path to choose if you are living a Christ-centered life that follows His commands. Worrying about the future and living a life full of anxiety is unproductive and pointless once you learn to have peace that God is in control, so currently I am learning to be assured that God has got me so tightly wrapped up in His arms and will. While it is hard to believe these tears shed by my family are the will of God, everyday I am learning to trust and I know we will all be okay and will all be better lights for God because of it. Appreciating everyday with my Dad and enjoying my own health is going to help me live everyday to the fullest as God intends. We can make all the plans we want, but in the drop of a hat our world can change. If we focus on making plans for next week or next year, we won't be living everyday to it's fullest. All of God’s plans for us are good, even this cancer although it is hard and painful at the same time. God is bigger than your stress, than your hurt heart, than that decision, and He is in control of them all, so all we need to do is live out today’s gift because He has tomorrow taken care of.