bits of my senior paper

Here are some parts of my 17 page senior paper that have to do with my dad's cancer, at least the parts I didn't steal from my blog to paste into my paper, shhh...

My college experience has been quite the journey, I feel as though I will see it in a movie someday, it will be one of those movies that makes the audience cry, laugh, and be angry at times. After viewing the movie of my life, it will leave the audience wanting to shout my favorite quote from a movie, “Every morning when I wake up and see there’s a whole ‘nother day I just go absolutely ape!” (Audrey Hepburn, Paris When It Sizzles), because no matter the season of my life, the audience can see just how perfectly planned it was by our creator.

When I was in high school, it was so hard for me to believe that I would receive the things I wanted; I was convinced the world was against me. Once I found a relationship with God, things seemed to start looking up for me. Now with a few more years of faith under my belt, I realize that things seemed to be going my way because I was obeying God’s promptings; this radical obedience brought with it radical blessings. I have this peace that God has me right where He wants me and that He has my family firmly in His hands. That is a goal of mine in life, to never lose that trust that God’s will is whatever is at hand. There is no wrong path to choose when living a Christ-centered life that follows His commands. Worrying about the future and living a life full of anxiety is unproductive and pointless, but instead find the peace that God is in control. Currently I am learning to be assured that God has got me so tightly wrapped up in His arms and will. While it is hard to believe these tears shed by my family are the will of God, everyday I am learning to trust and to know that we will be okay. Appreciating everyday with my Dad and enjoying my own health is going to help me live everyday to the fullest as God intends. We can make all the plans we want, but in the drop of a hat our world can change. If we focus on making plans for next week or next year, we won't be living everyday to its fullest. All of God’s plans for us are good, even this cancer although it is “hard and painful at the same time”(Sittser, 22). God is bigger than my stress, than my hurt heart, than that decision, and He is in control of them all, so all we need to do is live out today’s gift because He has tomorrow taken care of. That is another life goal of mine, to live everyday as best as I can, because the moment is all we know we have. Furthermore, I want to live out this excerpt from The Practice of The Presence of God, no matter how unbearable life may be at times, "If we knew how much He loves us, we would always be ready to face life-both its pleasures and its troubles” (Brother Lawrence, 55). That is my third main aim in life, to be fully aware of how much God loves me, and to share with others how much He loves them and is pulling for them, no matter how bleak the situation seems.

Through writing this paper I have read all of my journals since freshman year of high school, cover to cover, so one can imagine the experiences and lessons I relived. However, I believe looking back is important to be aware of where we are and why we are here, and to give thanks to God for bringing us here, it also reminds me every time I look back on how perfectly planned out my life has been according to God’s will. A lot of the pain we deal with is caused by our unwillingness to face the pain and the past, we have to be willing to look back, but also know we are forgiven the first time we ask for it. If we constantly ask for forgiveness, we are surely giving God a good chuckle, because He forgave us the first time we asked. We were the joy and hope that kept Christ motivated on the cross, we were His living hope, therefore we should make Him our living hope. The band Casting Crowns summarizes my journey writing this paper, and how I see myself stepping out into the future best in their song, “Somewhere in the Middle”, “Somewhere between who I was and who you’re making me, somewhere in the middle you’ll find me”. My past is a reference point to use as a story, and as encouragement for the woman I am right now. I know where I will be living for the next year, as well as where I am working, and I am excited about these adventures; however the future of my Dad’s life is very unknown but also very limited in the time he does have and it has a handprint on everything I do. To be honest, that part makes me very scared and hesitant to walk into the future. However, as I have constantly repeated in this paper, I know the future is God’s will and in His hands, and that knowledge is allowing me to live each day as best I can without allowing the unknowns to weigh me down, steal my joy, or forget my own journey.