loving others

I have an overwhelming urge to thank you right now, this second, otherwise i would send a cute letter:)

You really have no idea how much your random encouraging letters and loving texts, mean to me. It has been really hard the last year trying to adjust to not having roommates or friends in constant communication and checking in on me. College was so wonderful having everyone in such close vicinity. Sometimes I just feel like I am a burden to friends with all that I carry around in my heart with my dad, so I don't talk about it or don't ask for prayer or tell people the truth with how he is doing and how I am doing, I don't want to be a bummer. I just feel like it has gotten to a point where people are sick of hearing it. I mean, don't get me wrong, even I get sick of talking about it and answering questions about it at times.But the fact is, the cancer is here and it is my reality and new normal; so just like with training for a race, you can't just ignore the fact that you signed up, you have to embrace it, train and work with what you've got, and it is a growing and learning process, ya we get injured along the way sometimes, but that is part of it, you have to let the pain pass as it comes, and know that it will pass.

Anyways, your communication really reminds me that you care and are praying for me and my family. Sometimes I feel like my friends have forgotten about me, I know they have not, but it just feels like I am giving more than I am getting [gosh I sound like such a selfish child as i say that].

So I realized tonight I need to cherish the people I do have who are constant and genuine. And remember, we are called to love God and love others, everything else will fall into it's place if we do so, so I am going to keep doing so.

Ephesians 5:1-2

His grace

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/unworthiness-and-wholeness/id213247827?i=98523305

Check this sermon by Britt Merrick.

His grace will sustain us.

Tahoe, hail, sun, and my beast of a family.

I am in Lake Tahoe with family and friends to celebrate and support my aunt as she does a century ride around the lake through Team in Training, which she has raised money for cancer research for.

It was just incredibly sunny, I was about to go run in shorts, but now it is cold, dark, and pouring some sort of snow/hail hybrid...it came on very suddenly (my poor aunt!). But this weather is a very appropriate explanation as to how I have been feeling this last month. The sun part is the fact that my Dad just got his latest pet scan back, now new growth! praise the Lord for the work He has done! However, the hail is my realization and acceptance today that my Dad has changed drastically this last month, it was a slow, gradual process. It seems as if he has aged 10 years in the last month, moving slower, less energy, cannot see because of cataracts in both eyes, everything takes a little bit longer to process and perform. He does not appear to be as an average 54 year old should be. I am not supposed to be helping my Dad to read and drive, I am not supposed to get frustrated with his hearing, low energy levels-this is supposed to happen when your parents are the crazy grandparents! Do I feel bad about getting frustrated with my Dad who has cancer, heck yes, but I am more frustrated with the situation not him. I have said this too many times before but it sucks, and it is not fair for him to feel this way. Then I remember what God had to see his son go through. Far worse. I know my Dad is being used just as Christ was. I type that and a peace comes over me, and I feel empowered, and entrusted with a great story, and then I get the energy to go run through the hail. After all my aunt is out there riding 100 miles in it, with a purple jersey on showing her support for stupid cancer, she is a beast as my brother would say. Yesterday we drove around just to see all the beauty that Lake Tahoe in the snow has to offer...during which my Dad was dealing with the repercussions of post-chemo days (details not necessary haha) and he could not stop aweing over the beauty "How can someone see Tahoe and not believe in God", the dude was dealing with nausea, could barely even see, and had his heating pad on his back. that is what he said rather than complaining.

The point of this post is; yes there may be hail and nausea every now and then, but those moments of sun, when we are able to see God's glory and beauty can get us to ride through the hail. As I type that the sun is coming back out, I am sure this is a relief for my aunt, and the thought of sun is what kept her riding through the hail, because she knew the hail cannot last. That must also be what keeps my Dad fighting everyday, knowing there will be good days ahead, days where he is able to see that beauty. I guess I just taught myself my own lesson; kaela, somedays are going to suck, your Dad is going to act more like a grandpa than a 54 year old Daddy. But there will also be days where he points out the beauty of life and teaches you more than you can imagine and is the Dad you have always known. After all, God had his son rise from the grave after being tortured.

Wow, the rain is slowing down. I think this is my sign to go for a run.

Aunt Beth, you are a straight up Beast, I may run marathons, but you ride 100miles in the hail. Dad, you are a beast as well, I complain about feeling car sick, and you just point out the beauty of the lake our creator made. Lucky to have you guys as my teachers.

Off to go run, because I can. The rain has slowed even more. :)

Survival Skills

I was just reading The Long Goodbye written by Ronald Reagan's daughter, my coach lent it to me and I have slowly been making my way through it. It is a tear jerker that is for sure, it forces me to deal with life rather than running through it until I have a big meltdown, this book forces me to think about things, appreciate things more. "You learn to laugh and have fun even in the midst of pain. These are the survival skills."(44) I realized as I read this that running is a gift God has given me to "survive" and "have fun" in the midst of pain...I realized running has always been a sort of medicine for me, a time-out or a time-in to really grind out some intervals and let my frustration or tears out.

I guess it started at SDSU when life personally was tough and I was dealing with, well, me, me and the great divide between me and God and in all my stupidity and stubborness I wouldn't cross it. So I started running again, something I gave up on in a time that I gave up on myself and who I was and instead tried becoming someone I thought others wanted me to be. I went into my own world with just God running around that campus, sometimes we would converse nicely with a little switchfoot in the background, often it would be an argument on my side with some trapt playing, other times worship music would be on and I would just run in awe of Him as I realized what He was doing with my life, and sometimes some tear jerking Kelly Clarkson would be on as I was realizing what God was calling me to do. Every weekend and everyday I did not have class I would escape to PB and mission to go for a long run along the beach [anybody recall where I just accomplished my first marathon? ya, a little meaningful finishing through the park I ran my way back to life abundant that freshman year of college, this time with my 3 best friends at the finish line and lil brother trailing behind me].

I ran my way back to loving running for the simple joy it brings me and the closeness I feel to God when I do it-I got 5 seasons of xc/track at westmont to run blissfully and carefree, not fighting through anything except the occasional "he likes me, he likes me not", "is he EVER going to ask me to formal?", or the more frequent "bathroom break anyone?", oh man life was simpler ;)

"I often feel out of place, self-concious about the sadness I carry around with me-the shadow that I know will get darker before it lifts. On Fire-Island, I don't have to apologize for it or even explain. My head feels lighter here, clearer."(45) [Fire Island was a place filled with people somehow connected with AIDS]. She felt free at fire-island because everyone else understood the idea of suffering, either because they themselves were suffering or someone they loved were-she was free to grieve or not because they got it. Well, when I am running it is like that, I am on my own fire-island, but God is the only inhabitant. When I am running I feel free from the chains cancer sometimes overwhelms us with. It is one time where if the weight of the world comes upon me I feel like I can do something about it. I can look up to the sky see a cloud, raindrop, beautiful orange leaf, fog covered mountains, and focus on that and see it as a sign from God that He is reminding me He is with me and comforting me and FOR me. On Wednesday I was running early in the morning, a little down in thought, and then The After's song 'Light up the Sky' came on my ipod and I looked up and saw this bird gracefully fly above me across the bluest brightest sky-just a reminder that he is there and he has such a bright sky up ahead and right now. Those are the times I typically pick up the pace and get this goofy grin on my face, drivers must look at me and think I am mentally insane, if you ever view this, well, you are seeing God's daily gift and reminder to me and you are welcome to take part of it, I insist.

All I read of The Long Goodbye was 2 pages and then this essay poured out of my soul, I don't think this book will be finished anytime soon, sorry coach, but it had too much depth to knock out at once!

11miles of goofy grinning in the morning so that is all for tonight.

The Afters-Light up the Sky...check it.