In sickness...

Tonight was a pretty sad scene in the Hoch household...I've been sick with a cold/cough/throat/nose thing for at least a week (really I have no right to complain as you read the next two descriptions), Dad had chemo 2 days ago so he is experiencing the worst of his side effects right now, and Mom has a certain medical procedure in the morning-my Mom WILL kill me if she reads this but lets just say the bathrooms are rather occupied tonight...
Here I am babysitting Zoe and making sure not to make any noise and to keep the house clean as possible so no one gets irritated or has to work harder than they should.  It is a scary look into the future, someday MY parents will be as old as my grandparents God-willing, it is a look into the fragility of everything, and the fact that as much as I hate it, everyday is another day of getting older.  
I miss the days of being taken care of; my Dad running around being silly with me, seeing him come home from refereeing a basketball game, having him drive down to SB and back in one day to spend just a few hours with me, jumping on his back, thinking he was the strongest man alive for making a million trips up the flights of stairs to my sixth floor dorm in san diego on a 100degree day, driving 9hours down to san diego to move me out after freshman year and ending the night with ice cream and praying for my time coming up at woodleaf and westmont.
Dad still is the most selfless and prayer-concious person I know, and the most devoted father/husband/friend I know...it just comes out in different ways, ways that are not quite as grand-gestured, but the underlying point is still there-he is committed to me and God and pushing me towards BIG dreams that God has for me.  Dad doesn't ref anymore, mom will usually drive the long distances, thanks to p90x I think I am stronger than Dad now (well, most of the time, the man has a crazy golgi-tendon effect I'm sure).  But, there are new ways he shows his selflessness and best-dad-in-the-world title...wanting to hear all about everything in my life when I plop down on the couch next to him, asking what he can pray for and doing it right then, writing me the most encouraging emails when I am having a rough day, writing the most encouraging cards for special events or life in general that move me to tears and make me believe I am superwoman-all because he thinks I am superwoman, teaching me everything I need to know about money and bills and annoying things I don't like to understand.  Most of this happens on our beige leather couch downstairs, it is a very soft couch, you just kind of sink into it-it has saved a safe spot in it for Dad to read, journal, pray, and nap everyday.  It has also created a safe spot for me to chat with my Daddy, and to have him poor into me like he always has.
Even on those days Dad is weakest or sickest he still cares for me and tells me goodnight and whispers an "I love you beautiful girl" to me and my Mom.  I know his secret, besides the comfy couch, it is Jesus.  
Jesus said "Even when you are old, I will be the same.  Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you.  I made you and will take care of you.  I will carry you and save you". (Isaiah 46:4)
So on those days that the people who love me most and take care of me more than any earthly person ever could (my parents), are down for the count and go to bed hours before me and are more friendly with the heating pad than with me-I know Jesus is taking care of me, and of them, and of Taylor up serving at Young Life camp.
So for tonight, it is me, Jesus, and Zoe.  Zoe has been snoring for 30minutes, so I guess tonight, it is me and Jesus.


And NO ONE tell my mother of this post, she would be humiliated by the bathroom reference-whatever, everyone knows of my bathroom issues while running. #RunnersTrots #I'mHuman #SoAreYouMom

God will provide

Jehovah-Jireh. It means God will provide. This morning I read my morning devotional which was on Abraham. It was all about how even at his lowest point, as he was about to sacrifice his son Isaac, he was still looking to God and trusting He would provide. Which He did. But the point is Abraham chose to do nothing but trust and hope and be confident in His God, our God, the only God who will provide what we need when we need it. He sees the future and sees what we will need and when. He will not part the seas until we need to have them parted, all we have to do is trust that he will part them, because that is the caring God He is, the God who provides for our every need. Emphasis on the need not want.

I shared my testimony today in front of the biggest group I have to yet. Every time I share I realize something new God had orchestrated in my life, another instance where he provided just what I needed to get me where I am. Today's theme of my testimony turned out to be that He will provide, which He does.

Senior year of college when my Dads health was in chaos, guess how God provided: he made the rest of my life stable, in the terms of jobs, school, and the ability to move home to spend time with my parents. He provided stability when my life seemed in complete instability. Right now, my future is quite uncertain, but Dad's health is stable. Funny how things work out, funny how God knows us better than we can know ourselves.

So praise Jehovah-Jireh, and trust that when the time is right He will part the seas and show us the next step.

loving others

I have an overwhelming urge to thank you right now, this second, otherwise i would send a cute letter:)

You really have no idea how much your random encouraging letters and loving texts, mean to me. It has been really hard the last year trying to adjust to not having roommates or friends in constant communication and checking in on me. College was so wonderful having everyone in such close vicinity. Sometimes I just feel like I am a burden to friends with all that I carry around in my heart with my dad, so I don't talk about it or don't ask for prayer or tell people the truth with how he is doing and how I am doing, I don't want to be a bummer. I just feel like it has gotten to a point where people are sick of hearing it. I mean, don't get me wrong, even I get sick of talking about it and answering questions about it at times.But the fact is, the cancer is here and it is my reality and new normal; so just like with training for a race, you can't just ignore the fact that you signed up, you have to embrace it, train and work with what you've got, and it is a growing and learning process, ya we get injured along the way sometimes, but that is part of it, you have to let the pain pass as it comes, and know that it will pass.

Anyways, your communication really reminds me that you care and are praying for me and my family. Sometimes I feel like my friends have forgotten about me, I know they have not, but it just feels like I am giving more than I am getting [gosh I sound like such a selfish child as i say that].

So I realized tonight I need to cherish the people I do have who are constant and genuine. And remember, we are called to love God and love others, everything else will fall into it's place if we do so, so I am going to keep doing so.

Ephesians 5:1-2

His grace

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/unworthiness-and-wholeness/id213247827?i=98523305

Check this sermon by Britt Merrick.

His grace will sustain us.

Tahoe, hail, sun, and my beast of a family.

I am in Lake Tahoe with family and friends to celebrate and support my aunt as she does a century ride around the lake through Team in Training, which she has raised money for cancer research for.

It was just incredibly sunny, I was about to go run in shorts, but now it is cold, dark, and pouring some sort of snow/hail hybrid...it came on very suddenly (my poor aunt!). But this weather is a very appropriate explanation as to how I have been feeling this last month. The sun part is the fact that my Dad just got his latest pet scan back, now new growth! praise the Lord for the work He has done! However, the hail is my realization and acceptance today that my Dad has changed drastically this last month, it was a slow, gradual process. It seems as if he has aged 10 years in the last month, moving slower, less energy, cannot see because of cataracts in both eyes, everything takes a little bit longer to process and perform. He does not appear to be as an average 54 year old should be. I am not supposed to be helping my Dad to read and drive, I am not supposed to get frustrated with his hearing, low energy levels-this is supposed to happen when your parents are the crazy grandparents! Do I feel bad about getting frustrated with my Dad who has cancer, heck yes, but I am more frustrated with the situation not him. I have said this too many times before but it sucks, and it is not fair for him to feel this way. Then I remember what God had to see his son go through. Far worse. I know my Dad is being used just as Christ was. I type that and a peace comes over me, and I feel empowered, and entrusted with a great story, and then I get the energy to go run through the hail. After all my aunt is out there riding 100 miles in it, with a purple jersey on showing her support for stupid cancer, she is a beast as my brother would say. Yesterday we drove around just to see all the beauty that Lake Tahoe in the snow has to offer...during which my Dad was dealing with the repercussions of post-chemo days (details not necessary haha) and he could not stop aweing over the beauty "How can someone see Tahoe and not believe in God", the dude was dealing with nausea, could barely even see, and had his heating pad on his back. that is what he said rather than complaining.

The point of this post is; yes there may be hail and nausea every now and then, but those moments of sun, when we are able to see God's glory and beauty can get us to ride through the hail. As I type that the sun is coming back out, I am sure this is a relief for my aunt, and the thought of sun is what kept her riding through the hail, because she knew the hail cannot last. That must also be what keeps my Dad fighting everyday, knowing there will be good days ahead, days where he is able to see that beauty. I guess I just taught myself my own lesson; kaela, somedays are going to suck, your Dad is going to act more like a grandpa than a 54 year old Daddy. But there will also be days where he points out the beauty of life and teaches you more than you can imagine and is the Dad you have always known. After all, God had his son rise from the grave after being tortured.

Wow, the rain is slowing down. I think this is my sign to go for a run.

Aunt Beth, you are a straight up Beast, I may run marathons, but you ride 100miles in the hail. Dad, you are a beast as well, I complain about feeling car sick, and you just point out the beauty of the lake our creator made. Lucky to have you guys as my teachers.

Off to go run, because I can. The rain has slowed even more. :)

Survival Skills

I was just reading The Long Goodbye written by Ronald Reagan's daughter, my coach lent it to me and I have slowly been making my way through it. It is a tear jerker that is for sure, it forces me to deal with life rather than running through it until I have a big meltdown, this book forces me to think about things, appreciate things more. "You learn to laugh and have fun even in the midst of pain. These are the survival skills."(44) I realized as I read this that running is a gift God has given me to "survive" and "have fun" in the midst of pain...I realized running has always been a sort of medicine for me, a time-out or a time-in to really grind out some intervals and let my frustration or tears out.

I guess it started at SDSU when life personally was tough and I was dealing with, well, me, me and the great divide between me and God and in all my stupidity and stubborness I wouldn't cross it. So I started running again, something I gave up on in a time that I gave up on myself and who I was and instead tried becoming someone I thought others wanted me to be. I went into my own world with just God running around that campus, sometimes we would converse nicely with a little switchfoot in the background, often it would be an argument on my side with some trapt playing, other times worship music would be on and I would just run in awe of Him as I realized what He was doing with my life, and sometimes some tear jerking Kelly Clarkson would be on as I was realizing what God was calling me to do. Every weekend and everyday I did not have class I would escape to PB and mission to go for a long run along the beach [anybody recall where I just accomplished my first marathon? ya, a little meaningful finishing through the park I ran my way back to life abundant that freshman year of college, this time with my 3 best friends at the finish line and lil brother trailing behind me].

I ran my way back to loving running for the simple joy it brings me and the closeness I feel to God when I do it-I got 5 seasons of xc/track at westmont to run blissfully and carefree, not fighting through anything except the occasional "he likes me, he likes me not", "is he EVER going to ask me to formal?", or the more frequent "bathroom break anyone?", oh man life was simpler ;)

"I often feel out of place, self-concious about the sadness I carry around with me-the shadow that I know will get darker before it lifts. On Fire-Island, I don't have to apologize for it or even explain. My head feels lighter here, clearer."(45) [Fire Island was a place filled with people somehow connected with AIDS]. She felt free at fire-island because everyone else understood the idea of suffering, either because they themselves were suffering or someone they loved were-she was free to grieve or not because they got it. Well, when I am running it is like that, I am on my own fire-island, but God is the only inhabitant. When I am running I feel free from the chains cancer sometimes overwhelms us with. It is one time where if the weight of the world comes upon me I feel like I can do something about it. I can look up to the sky see a cloud, raindrop, beautiful orange leaf, fog covered mountains, and focus on that and see it as a sign from God that He is reminding me He is with me and comforting me and FOR me. On Wednesday I was running early in the morning, a little down in thought, and then The After's song 'Light up the Sky' came on my ipod and I looked up and saw this bird gracefully fly above me across the bluest brightest sky-just a reminder that he is there and he has such a bright sky up ahead and right now. Those are the times I typically pick up the pace and get this goofy grin on my face, drivers must look at me and think I am mentally insane, if you ever view this, well, you are seeing God's daily gift and reminder to me and you are welcome to take part of it, I insist.

All I read of The Long Goodbye was 2 pages and then this essay poured out of my soul, I don't think this book will be finished anytime soon, sorry coach, but it had too much depth to knock out at once!

11miles of goofy grinning in the morning so that is all for tonight.

The Afters-Light up the Sky...check it.

cancer may take our lives, but it will never take our freedom

This day last year was the worst day of our lives...literally. The moment my parents told me my dad has cancer is this horrible nightmare that I remember so vividly, too vividly. But guess what. The doctors also told him this day last year that he only had a year to live...my dad is working full time, chopping down the xmas tree, driving us to xmas dinner, wanting to go to disneyland, and fixing everything there is to fix around the house. He has gone from completely bed-ridden, to struggling using a walker, to moving at a pace slower than I do after running a marathon , to pretty much back to "normal". He still has cancer, it hasnt gotten too much better, but the reason I am rejoicing today is because it has not gotten worse and once again we rise above cancer and the limitations science puts on us.

Last year this morning I went to go spend some time with my wonderful and wise friend Lisa, we chatted, laughed, I even held her hand int he hospital as she got a shot...little did I know I would be back in a hospital that night. I don't know if I have yet expressed the beauty of the scene when my parents told me. My cousin picked me up from my house where I was watching the office [I wish I was doing something more epic, like reading the Bible or something haha] and waiting for my grandma to bring me some of her amazing lemon chicken over. She didn't tell me anything on the way to the hospital, but naturally inside I was freaking out but also trying to hope for the best [whatever the best is you hope for when you go to a hospital], I text my 2 roommates/bestest friends and immediately got responses as well as a phone call. As we turned the corner and walked to my dad's room [I was still totally oblivious, I didn't know what the oncology floor was] there was at least 15 people outside his room, all dear family friends or family. After they told me I went to the bathroom and curled up on the floor and prayed, I have no idea what I prayed other than God come comfort me and my family. Then I called Lisa who was literally ready to drop everything and come to my side. My cousin took me home so I could chill out, as I was there all alone I opened my Bible and a fresh unhighlighted page opened up to me the verse 1Thesallonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do you sense a theme here? Could the night have been played out any better? God knew it was this night we would find out, and he orchestrated it perfectly for us all to be surrounded whether in person or via cellphones by the ones we love and who love us. And because of my faith God knew exactly what I needed at that moment and the days to come, comfort, so he sent those words to pray to my lips, and Lisa answered, as well as a perfect verse for this season.

I took that verse as my command from God throughout this season of my families life, and I still do. Nouwen says it best, "You have to claim that victory and not live as if death still controlled you. Your soul knows about the victory, but your mind and emotions have not fully accepted it. They go on struggling. In this respect you remain a person of little faith. Trust the victory and let your mind and emotions gradually be converted to the truth. You will experience new joy and new peace as you let that truth reach every part of your being. Don't forget: victory has been won, the powers of darkness no longer rule, love is stronger than death." and love is stronger than any emotion or pain that cancer can cause.

Everything is not perfect, in fact my Dad has chemo yesterday, but it is a lot better than we expected, so I am having a party in my heart today. I am reminded of the Braveheart quote, however because of camp I only picture Caleb as Scoots McGoots saying it...cancer "may take our lives but it will never take our freedom". It will never take our freedom to choose joy and to choose God's control of our lives instead of science and to know it is all for a greater purpose and plan.

So praise the Lord, and go read 1 Thesallonians 5:16-18, listen to 'Hope Now' by Addison Road, and keep loving on your friends and family-when something comes to knock you down they are Jesus in human form for you...Im going to do a long hard track workout to train for my 3rd marathon because I can and many can't.