learning how to pity party

Wow...so I have been having a pity party the last couple weeks, don't know why, its just been some of those days...I have just been asking questions lately that I have not allowed myself to ask yet, such as the most simple ones-a) why? b) why us? c) why not that jerk?

This is all started when my bible study book we are going through told us to be real with God, "He wants your real heart, not the right answer!"...called out. and it went from there. I have been the right answer girl all summer while at camp, it was great because I truly believe everything I told my campers, but I never really faced my deepest questions because I was afraid of asking them and sounding like a bad Christian-and I really don't want to be mad at God because its not His fault (I choose to blame everything on adam and eve).

anyways, after going to my sources (yay for God putting the right people in your life and for their ability to speak words of wisdom and life), I asked God these questions, through tears, a couple pounds on the steering wheel, a few aggressive runs before discovering my sprained big toe (ya, i know)-anyways through all that I finally gritted the questions out. They are not finished, I know it is a process, and ongoing rollercoaster of sorts, but I asked God questions and told Him I was pissed and thought this was unfair-yes I told God I was pissed. This is HUGE for me, especially camp counselor me.

I know it is okay to ask God these questions, experience anger, cry (ok, I am still trying to learn this one), He wants to take these for me. I heard a couple amazing sermons from my pastor in SB, a couple things stood out to me most and are written on my heart aka iphone notepad-"God never had a son on earth who didn't suffer" "Suffering precedes glory" and "His power works best in weakness-but we need to admit we are weak for that to happen!"

then tonight, BAM, i just read about my dad's pity party on caringbridge...like father like daughter i guess :)

In the past 3 weeks I have found my way to the darkest and deepest pit I have ever been in my lifetime. My health has been fine (except for a small cough), but I have been humbled to the point that I felt worthless. I believed that I had nothing to offer anyone and I saw no evidence of God truly using me. After a lot of tears, I cried out to the Lord; begging Him to use me and asking Him why He was keeping me here since it seemed as though everything I had been putting all my energy into had nothing positive happening. I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life. I had the biggest pity party any 53 year old man has ever had.

God answered me when I was done feeling sorry for myself. The problem was that I was focusing on everything other than Him. God wanted to spend some time with me. So when we went to church last Sunday; the songs, and sermon were directly from God. He taught me that He is far greater than any of my circumstances and I just need to look to Him. My time in the scripture this morning provided a word from the Lord that brought a real joy to my heart. Ephesians 3:20; says "Now glory be to God who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of --- infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes."

I am still waiting to see God use me, but by focusing on the Lord I have realized that I am valuable to Him (more than I could ever comprehend) and that He can do far more than I would dare to ask. I still have my dark moments and will probably have several more as I battle this ugly cancer, but I wrote this journal just for me; to be a reminder in my life that I need to focus on Him and not my circumstances.

- Kevin